Battery Life of a Mom of Six: Keeping Your Spark Alive with Alicia Freeman
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Description
How can caregivers maintain their well-being while juggling the demands of their duties? Alicia Freeman (a mother six to children in care and her own bio kids) shares the importance of integrating self-care into daily routines and recognizing early signs of burnout, such as insomnia and irritability. Alicia offers practical strategies for balancing household chores and personal time. With a busy household and summer routines winding down, Alicia anticipates the return of a predictable school schedule and the necessity of staying connected to her own needs.
Time Stamps
[04:53] Parents manage control by maintaining predictable routines.
[08:35] Struggling to care when not feeling grounded.
[10:26] Motherhood is fulfilling but maintaining individuality essential.
[13:42] Teaching self-care is crucial for balanced caregiving.
[18:14] Balancing self-care with caregiving through daily activities.
[19:47] Finding fulfilling self-care without added stress.
[24:15] Grateful for supportive partnership in handling challenges.
[26:57] Church community supports prioritizing marriage and relationships.
[29:36] Offer gift card, watch kids, support couple.
[34:27] App helps identify emotions through energy categories.
[35:56] Relief in identifying emotions and celebrating moments.
[39:07] Struggling mom finds freedom through self-care education.
[43:30] Caregiving is tough, seek professional help regularly.
[46:18] Mindfulness and proper breathing can change mindset.
Guest Links
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Mentioned in this episode:
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Skip The Dinner is CareImpact’s year-end Christmas campaign, a fundraising non-event. You keep your time, and you give from wherever you are. Right now, every year-end gift or pledge is DOUBLED by a generous donor, so your giving goes twice as far to help strengthen CareImpact’s work with churches and community partners across Canada. Each donation will be matched before January 1, 2026.
Transcript
Many, many caregivers feel like I can't take a break. I can't take
Speaker:a night off. Or if I do, it's not worth it. By the time I
Speaker:get back home, I'm gonna be picking up so many pieces that it
Speaker:wasn't even worth the 1 or 2 hours that I took to go out for
Speaker:dinner with my husband or whatever it might be. What
Speaker:does loving your neighbor actually look like?
Speaker:This is Journey with Care, where curious Canadians get inspired
Speaker:to love others well through real life stories and honest
Speaker:conversations.
Speaker:Welcome back to Journey With Care. We are in our series battery life of a
Speaker:caregiver. We're exploring the lives of those who dedicate themselves to
Speaker:their caregiving roles. Will uncover what it takes, their self
Speaker:care strategies, and how our communities can provide much needed support around
Speaker:them. Today, we are joined by our guest, Alicia
Speaker:Freeman. She was also a previous guest on episode
Speaker:17 of the season, differently wired episode. She's a
Speaker:dedicated mother, foster parent, and advocate for vulnerable children.
Speaker:Alicia is also one of our trauma care trainers with Care Impact.
Speaker:But before I get Wendy to introduce our guests a little
Speaker:bit more, remember that we have Journey with Prayer 5 minute
Speaker:Devo series to start off your week. That's on a separate feed. You can
Speaker:also get it on the same feed if you want. Just check the show notes,
Speaker:and I'll have a link there for you. And you can always go to carium
Speaker:pack.ca/podcast to get this podcast and that
Speaker:one together at the same time a little bit early. Also, this
Speaker:podcast exists and continues to produce great content because of
Speaker:the generosity of our listeners, our donors, and sponsors.
Speaker:To help the podcast and the work of Care Impact, we value your
Speaker:support and we would love to connect with new sponsors or people who just
Speaker:wanna contribute to the podcast. You can head over to careimpact.c/podcast.
Speaker:There's a donate link there, and there's a sponsor link
Speaker:right on that page, and we'd love to connect with you. Alright. We wanna get
Speaker:into this episode. Wendy, welcome here. You wanna introduce our
Speaker:guest? Absolutely. And in fact, she's no stranger
Speaker:to, our listeners. If you've been following along, we've had her before as
Speaker:mentioned. And Alicia Freeman, it's so good to have you
Speaker:back. You're back by popular demand. People loved listening to
Speaker:your story in episode 17, and I hope people will go back.
Speaker:And if you haven't heard her story, go back there. But,
Speaker:Alicia, when I think about caregiving, I think about you.
Speaker:And how's your battery life right now? Let's just check-in.
Speaker:What's your battery at this morning? Oh, thank you, Wendy.
Speaker:Thank you for welcoming me back. And I've as I was just telling you
Speaker:and Johan as we kind of got on this morning, it's the
Speaker:last week of August, and my battery life is pretty
Speaker:low. I I'm I'm ready for school to start. Routines,
Speaker:rhythms, we all need a little bit of structure around here to get us back
Speaker:on track. So I am with you, Alicia. I'm sure Wendy
Speaker:is too. I'm ready for school to start. So how has a
Speaker:typical summer summer day looked like in the Freeman
Speaker:household? You know what? A lot of people have asked me that recently. Like,
Speaker:what have you guys done this summer? And I kinda feel like, we haven't done
Speaker:anything big. It's just kinda this and that. I have most
Speaker:of the time in my house this summer. I had a 1 year old, a
Speaker:4 year old, an 8 year old, and a 9 year old. So we've just
Speaker:been doing, you know, swimming lessons and soccer and
Speaker:baseball and beach days and park days and lots and lots
Speaker:of laundry and lots and lots of
Speaker:snacks, all day, every day eating, just those kinds of
Speaker:normal things. And then in the mix of that, we have some older kids who
Speaker:are who are just a little bit more in and out. So they keep us
Speaker:busy with with their schedules as well. So you said you're
Speaker:looking forward to the summer so that you have a little bit routine back. So
Speaker:what does a typical school day look like for you?
Speaker:Well, to be honest, there and a lot of my,
Speaker:special needs parents will resonate with this feeling of I'm
Speaker:so excited for school to start, but, also, there's a lot of unknowns
Speaker:about what is school gonna look like. And is everybody gonna thrive in
Speaker:the places where we've kind of mapped out for them to be?
Speaker:And it's hard to communicate with schools through the summer. So we're still
Speaker:kinda waiting on those last pieces. But for the most part, I think
Speaker:it's going to just be me and my tiniest at home, and everybody else
Speaker:will be off to school. So that will be new. It will give me a
Speaker:little bit of mental space and quiet again in my days. And
Speaker:so I'm looking forward to being able to just have a little bit more
Speaker:control over my own schedule, to be honest.
Speaker:So how much does that routine of the fall kids back in school and
Speaker:having them having that routine contribute to your battery life?
Speaker:Yes. Well, I mean, I mentioned the word control,
Speaker:and I think lots of parents out there will probably
Speaker:resonate with we try to find that
Speaker:fine line between not trying to
Speaker:grasp for too much control, but at the same time, feeling
Speaker:like everybody needs some element of control in their lives in order
Speaker:to feel kind of safe and grounded and feel like I I
Speaker:know what to expect next. So I think, for me, just going
Speaker:back into some, like, predictable routines where even though
Speaker:I know there's gonna be the days where, you know, somebody is sick or somebody
Speaker:needs to be picked up from school or things go wrong at school, and I
Speaker:have to go and end up picking somebody up or having a meeting or having
Speaker:a a difficult phone call, whatever it might be, I still know that for the
Speaker:most part, I can rely on they're going to get picked up by
Speaker:the bus at 8 o'clock in the morning, and they'll be home at 3:30. And
Speaker:the time in between, I can somewhat schedule you
Speaker:know, I can have some time some quiet time to, like,
Speaker:focus on something that takes some mental energy. Or I can, you know, sit
Speaker:down and have some quiet time in the word or with prayer, or I can
Speaker:go for a walk with a friend without, you know, my
Speaker:4, 8, 9 year old interjecting all of their comments and ideas because
Speaker:they really love my friends too, it seems. So I'm
Speaker:looking forward to that. So with the fall come a lot of those trips
Speaker:back and forth, many appointments I I find as a parent.
Speaker:Mhmm. So what do you do in those times when you're driving
Speaker:back and forth? How do you ground yourself? What do you do for self care
Speaker:in the vehicle? Oh, that's a good one. K. My
Speaker:vehicle self care. I love that because, I mean, most moms
Speaker:can relate to. You just spend a lot of time in the car. Right? If
Speaker:as soon as you have multiple kids, especially, there's just a lot of places to
Speaker:go. Like you said, appointments. Like, you know, suddenly, everybody needs to go to the
Speaker:dentist again and the eye doctor, and there's therapy appointments, and there's
Speaker:doctor's appointments. Something that I've noticed is that I
Speaker:I try to pay attention when I climb into the car and, you know,
Speaker:everybody's buckled in their seats, and it's like, okay. We have, like, 5 or
Speaker:10 minutes, whatever, however long the drive may be or a longer drive.
Speaker:And I kinda try to just do that check-in, like, how am I feeling right
Speaker:now, and what do I need? Inevitably, you know, my 9 year old will be
Speaker:like, mom, turn on my playlist. And some days, his
Speaker:playlist is great. I'm like, okay, buddy. Sure. We can
Speaker:do your playlist. You know? We can rock to your tunes
Speaker:today. And then other times, like, no. I'm sorry, buddy. I we just need
Speaker:we just need a quiet drive today. If I'm by myself, I end
Speaker:up talking to myself out loud a lot or talking to God out loud. I
Speaker:pray when I'm in the car. I I let it all out. I'm like, okay,
Speaker:God. What are you doing? I don't know what's going on, or I'm going into
Speaker:this meeting. I need help. Like, show me what to do. Show me what to
Speaker:speak. Give me the words and deep breathing, honestly.
Speaker:Some deep breaths. No closing your eyes when you're driving, but some nice
Speaker:deep breaths just to refocus. And, yeah, I like that
Speaker:you were used the word grounding because it it's actually a really great place to
Speaker:kind of have that moment. I should have asked how you stay grounded
Speaker:in the midst of hearing baby shark because I don't know if I could do
Speaker:that very well, though. And this is why some days,
Speaker:we are up for the playlist, and then other days, we are not up for
Speaker:the playlist. I love worship music too. You know? I think I've set a pretty
Speaker:good precedent where it's like, okay. You you can ask, and it might be a
Speaker:yes, or it might be a no. And I try to just give them a
Speaker:reason why. I mean, being honest, though, there are also other days
Speaker:where, you know, can you turn on my place? And I'm like, no.
Speaker:And that's all I can get out. I'm like, no. Absolutely not. And they're
Speaker:like, why? I I don't even have an answer. Just
Speaker:no. But knowing what I need as a caregiver is
Speaker:something that I've really tried to work on in the past couple years.
Speaker:Just understanding what's going on inside of me so that I can figure
Speaker:out how can I get myself back to a place where I actually have the
Speaker:ability to care? Because the problem is when
Speaker:I am not grounded, when I'm not feeling
Speaker:okay, it's really difficult for me to offer care to the people around
Speaker:me as much as I want to, as much as my intentions may be good.
Speaker:It's it's really, really difficult. So Yeah. I know a lot of
Speaker:moms talk about how there's times in life where they feel
Speaker:they don't have anything for themselves. Like, being a mom is kinda their hobby. That's
Speaker:their go to. So, like, you you talk about having
Speaker:worship and times of reading scripture and those things. But what about, like,
Speaker:hobbies? Are there other things that that give you that creative outlet for
Speaker:yourself? I love that question. And, again,
Speaker:it's something that I've been thinking about a lot the last few years because I
Speaker:think I went into mothering as a young woman, and I had
Speaker:hobbies. You know? I I love to read. I have always loved to read.
Speaker:The last time that I had time to sit down and read a book, I
Speaker:don't know when that was. I I still love
Speaker:to read, but I I don't actually get to read very often. I
Speaker:love music. I used to spend a lot of time playing the piano, and that's
Speaker:not something that I do very often anymore. Anymore. I love to
Speaker:write. I I used to have a blog going. I haven't blogged for, like,
Speaker:4 years now, I think. So what I was trying to say was I went
Speaker:into mothering and just thinking, you know, I had my hobbies, and I was excited
Speaker:about mothering and just throwing myself into mothering. And
Speaker:now I am, let's see, 10 years in. And
Speaker:I'm like, whew. Like, all I'm doing is mothering. That that's
Speaker:all I'm doing all the time. And I know I know that mothering is
Speaker:worth every ounce of energy that I have to give to it.
Speaker:However, I also know that I'm a better mom when
Speaker:I can remember who I am outside of
Speaker:being a mom, being a wife in this house, in this
Speaker:family, and remembering that, ultimately, first of all,
Speaker:I'm a child of God. And he has made me
Speaker:uniquely and with purpose and with intention. And
Speaker:that that's going to come out in all kinds of different ways in different seasons
Speaker:of my life. So right now, I think there legitimately
Speaker:just isn't a lot of time or energy for me to
Speaker:pour into other hobbies. But sometimes just
Speaker:taking the time to even just think about that. Like, you know what? In
Speaker:a different season of my life, what might I like to do with my
Speaker:time or my energy? And how can I take just a baby step toward that?
Speaker:So, you know, if I think that I'm really missing
Speaker:reading, this is something that over the last couple years, I it's really
Speaker:hard for me to sit down with a book. And a lot of moms will
Speaker:be able to identify with that. As soon as you sit down in a chair,
Speaker:everybody's there. Like, they're like, oh, mom is here. She is ready for
Speaker:us. She's sitting down. Great. But what I
Speaker:have found is that sometimes I can pop in, you know, one earbud, probably
Speaker:not 2, but one while I'm busy doing the laundry or I'm
Speaker:cooking dinner or I'm watching the kids outside, and I can listen to
Speaker:an audiobook through that one earbud. And it's not gonna be the
Speaker:same experience. Like, it's not gonna be the same as when I was a teenager
Speaker:and I could curl up in a corner and read a book for 3 hours
Speaker:straight. I'm not gonna get that kind of experience, but it's going to
Speaker:give me just a smidge of that thing that I know that I love, and
Speaker:it's gonna fill my tank a bit. And just reassuring myself that, you know
Speaker:what? There's gonna be a season coming again sometime soon
Speaker:ish where I'm gonna have time to do that again.
Speaker:And what can I do to make sure that I'm not just abandoning
Speaker:those things that I love altogether? And then just bringing my kids into things
Speaker:when I can too. I I do love to read, and so something that I've
Speaker:done a lot with my kids is read alouds where I get to read aloud.
Speaker:It's maybe not, you know, my first choice of book,
Speaker:but I've also grown to love children's literature, like, especially
Speaker:middle grade novels. I love them. They're so fun, and I can
Speaker:sit down and read those with my kids. And it's time for us
Speaker:together and connecting, but it's also something that I love to do. And
Speaker:it's sort of a way for me of reclaiming that thing that I love and
Speaker:that I feel like I've lost a little bit, but also not pushing
Speaker:aside my kids in order to do that. Because I think that's the the struggle
Speaker:that every mom has of, like, how can I make time for me and my
Speaker:hobbies without making my kids feel like I'm choosing my hobby
Speaker:over them? Right? I never want them to think that me sitting down with a
Speaker:book is more important than me spending time with them. However, I do want
Speaker:them to know that, realistically, sometimes mom needs time alone, and it's
Speaker:okay if that needs to happen sometimes too. And and that
Speaker:good hobbies are good things, and everyone needs balance in their life. Right?
Speaker:Yeah. Well, except moms tend to be less
Speaker:balanced because they do so much for the kids and pour into them. I know
Speaker:I can Yes. I can say that just from watching my wife. It's true.
Speaker:And life doesn't feel very balanced. Right? And that's what I guess, when we
Speaker:talk about self care and the battery life of the caregiver, I think
Speaker:that's that's an important word to think about. It's, like, how can
Speaker:I go about intentionally bringing more balance
Speaker:into my life so that not all of my time and
Speaker:energy is being spent pouring out
Speaker:and finding ways intentional ways to refill
Speaker:my own cup? And what I've loved over the
Speaker:past few years working with Care Impact and doing the
Speaker:trauma training, this fall, I'm going to be teaching a trauma care course
Speaker:again in Ottawa. And I'm so excited because I get to teach the
Speaker:full self care module with my friend, Amy Jo. And I
Speaker:love teaching self care because it's a huge part
Speaker:of trauma competent caregiving. And what I've learned over the
Speaker:past few years as I've taught that module and as I've learned from
Speaker:other people who are teaching that module is that rest is
Speaker:not always what we think it is. So caring for
Speaker:myself, resting, I get these images that
Speaker:pop into my mind when I hear those words, and they're not always
Speaker:accurate. So what I've learned is that finding balance
Speaker:and finding rest and caring for myself sometimes looks really,
Speaker:really different than I thought it would. And sometimes it takes time and
Speaker:talking with the people around you and being really intentional, you
Speaker:know, praying about that, talking to my spouse, and and asking
Speaker:questions to figure out what is it that I really actually
Speaker:need in order to fill up my tank
Speaker:and care well for myself? Is it that I need to change my
Speaker:sleep habits? Is it that I need to spend more time outdoors?
Speaker:Maybe I need to change my diet. Not a fun one, but maybe that's what
Speaker:I really need to tackle, to care for myself well right now and have more
Speaker:energy. Right? Or maybe it's around just like rhythms
Speaker:and routines. This is a really silly one. But
Speaker:for the past number of years, I have so much laundry in my house.
Speaker:We're a family of 8. And so I just feel like I'm always,
Speaker:always doing laundry. And so I made this shift where
Speaker:I was just like, I'm just doing, like, some laundry every day. So it's, like,
Speaker:you know, 2 or 3 loads every single day that I'm doing
Speaker:laundry. And for a while, that was what worked. And then at the beginning of
Speaker:this summer, I was like, ugh. It's never
Speaker:ever, ever done. And I'm so tired of doing laundry every
Speaker:single day. And so I decided to shift and
Speaker:and follow what my mom used to always do, and she would always do laundry,
Speaker:like, Mondays Fridays. So I've been trying to do that. And I don't get it
Speaker:all done on Monday or on Friday. But what I
Speaker:do is I start on Monday. I try to wrap up
Speaker:on Tuesday, and then I just intentionally ignore the laundry for Wednesday
Speaker:Thursday. And I'm like, I'm not doing laundry these days
Speaker:unless, you know, somebody puked last night and somebody wet the
Speaker:bed last night. So I'm doing laundry today, and it's Wednesday. But
Speaker:for the most part, I try to give myself a break and just realize that,
Speaker:you know what? I'm getting really fatigued by all this laundry. Maybe I can,
Speaker:like, carve in a little intentional break for myself. So it's just about
Speaker:finding finding those things. Right? So many good things there. I
Speaker:mean, you mentioned trauma care, which I do wanna get into. And Amy Jo is
Speaker:gonna be our next guest on our next episode, actually, so that'll be exciting to
Speaker:have her on. But you mentioned how, like, even when you sit down to listen
Speaker:to an audiobook, how you might have a child on your lap doing something.
Speaker:Was that something that you had to learn on how to get your children involved
Speaker:in some of your own self care routines to
Speaker:stay grounded and how important do you think that is for them to see
Speaker:that you're getting that self care? Yes. I
Speaker:definitely feel like that was a learning curve for me, and I I think
Speaker:it's something that a lot of parents need to hear, actually, a lot of caregivers
Speaker:that, do you need time alone? Absolutely. Like,
Speaker:every caregiver needs some time alone. Right? Solitude.
Speaker:Time away from all the noise, all the the social
Speaker:dynamics, all the overstimulation of caring for
Speaker:kids. But, also, what I've realized is that my battery
Speaker:life won't drain as quickly if I'm incorporating
Speaker:things on a regular basis during the day with my
Speaker:kids to care for myself. So if I know
Speaker:that going for a walk outside is really going to help, I can bring my
Speaker:kids. And you know what? A lot of the time, it's okay. Like,
Speaker:a walk with my kids can be, isn't always, but can
Speaker:be just as enjoyable as a walk all by myself. And I might still
Speaker:get many of the same components of that care that I'm needing
Speaker:or listening to music in the car. You know? Like, sometimes when my 9 year
Speaker:old says, can we can we turn on my playlist, mom? And I do that
Speaker:self check and realize like, hey. You know what? Some really
Speaker:upbeat kids' music right now just might put a smile on my face
Speaker:too. And maybe that's exactly what I need right now, and that can care for
Speaker:all of us really well. So I do think that it's important to
Speaker:find again, there's that word balance of making sure that
Speaker:I'm being intentional about carving out the space and time I
Speaker:need to care for myself that I need to do aside from my my
Speaker:caregiving role. But then also trying as much as I
Speaker:can to incorporate self care into my daily rhythms of care so
Speaker:that I'm not having to escape from the caregiving in order to
Speaker:care for myself. Because sometimes, as we know, it's just not possible.
Speaker:You know? We go through seasons. We've been in seasons as a family
Speaker:where we've had both physical and mental illness in our family
Speaker:pretty consistently over the last 10 years, and it's not
Speaker:always possible. Sometimes caregiver needs to
Speaker:be there, and it's not always possible to escape. I know there's there's so
Speaker:many moms, especially when we talk to foster and adoptive moms
Speaker:and kinship caregivers. I feel like I'm narrowing that
Speaker:focus there. But many, many caregivers feel like I can't take
Speaker:a break. I can't take a night off. Or if I do, it's not worth
Speaker:it. By the time I get back home, I'm gonna be picking up
Speaker:so many pieces that it wasn't even worth the 1 or 2 hours that I
Speaker:took to go out for dinner with my husband or whatever it might be.
Speaker:I get that. I get that. And and there are seasons where
Speaker:you're absolutely right. It's not actually going to fill your tank
Speaker:the way something else might. So I think it's it's about getting
Speaker:creative. Right? Figuring out what do I need and how can I
Speaker:get that in a way that is actually going to
Speaker:leave me feeling cared for and feeling
Speaker:filled up, I guess? And sometimes leaving home
Speaker:and leaving our kids creates more anxiety and more trauma and
Speaker:more chaos than is worth what might seem like
Speaker:the benefits of it. There is always a way that we can
Speaker:find to care for ourselves. It just may take some creative
Speaker:thinking and some planning and some intentionality.
Speaker:And I think it's great for our kids to see that. We went through a
Speaker:long season where one night of the week was always mom's night
Speaker:off in our house. And my husband really gifted that with me for a season.
Speaker:And it it hasn't worked. We haven't been doing that for 10 years straight. We
Speaker:just did that for a season. We did that for a number of years where
Speaker:it was possible, and then suddenly, it wasn't working anymore. But that was
Speaker:something that my kids just got used to. They got used to like, oh, it's
Speaker:Monday. It's mom's night off. After dinner, mom disappears
Speaker:for a little while. I could just go. I could choose
Speaker:what I was going to do in that time to kind of fill myself up.
Speaker:Sometimes it was 30 minutes. Sometimes it was 3 hours. It wasn't always the
Speaker:same depending on what was going on in the house, but I had that little
Speaker:snippet of time. But that took planning. It took communication between my husband and I.
Speaker:It took, you know, identifying what are my needs and what is
Speaker:feasible for all of us. Most caregivers aren't caring
Speaker:for those they care for alone. So it often takes
Speaker:communication with the other caregiver, whether it's a spouse
Speaker:or whether it's even grandparents or whoever
Speaker:else might be in your village to figure out how can we work together to
Speaker:make sure that everybody is not just surviving, but
Speaker:thriving. That's our goal. Right? Yeah. You already answered
Speaker:one of the questions I was gonna ask you about your your husband.
Speaker:I mean, if our listeners listened to your previous episode, you guys went through some
Speaker:pretty stressful times, even in the last year or
Speaker:so. So what are some other ways that you and your husband have
Speaker:supported each other in maintaining your own mental and emotional well-being?
Speaker:I love that question because I I love to talk about my husband and
Speaker:the way that we've found to care for each other well and care for
Speaker:our kids well together. And your marriage. Right? And our
Speaker:marriage. Exactly. And so often, we remind
Speaker:ourselves of this regularly. We on the really stressful
Speaker:chaotic days, we will just look at each other and be like, one day,
Speaker:it's just gonna be the 2 of us again. And we are so excited for
Speaker:that, and it's okay to be excited for that. It's okay to be excited
Speaker:that one day, your kids are gonna grow up. And,
Speaker:you know, if all goes as planned, you know, they're going to be able to
Speaker:be independent. That doesn't always look the same. We have some kids that
Speaker:we expect much more independence from than others in our household,
Speaker:But it's not always going to be like this. And similar to what
Speaker:I was saying before, it's important to recognize that this is a season. Right? This
Speaker:is a season of our lives. And how can we make sure that we're investing
Speaker:for the next season that's coming as well? I don't want to
Speaker:end up as empty nesters and look at each other and be like,
Speaker:who are you? I don't know you. And where have you been this whole time?
Speaker:I married my husband because he's my best friend and
Speaker:because I adore him. And I never wanna forget that. I don't wanna forget that
Speaker:in the middle of the busy and the chaotic. I don't wanna forget that this
Speaker:is my person. This is who I've chosen to do life with. So we try
Speaker:to we try to carve out, you know, time. Not just time together, but
Speaker:also time to have fun together, making sure
Speaker:that we're laughing together, making sure that we're dreaming together about the
Speaker:future and that next season that's coming. And probably
Speaker:one of the biggest things that we've learned over the last few years, because you're
Speaker:right, it's it's been it's been a really difficult season for our
Speaker:family for, I wanna say, like, 4 years now. Just a lot going on, and
Speaker:we're still we're still in the thick of it. It just it just feels like
Speaker:it doesn't end. Right? There's just a lot to to cope
Speaker:with. There's a lot to process. And I'm just
Speaker:so glad I'm not doing it alone. You know? I'm glad that I have a
Speaker:partner beside me who is committed to doing this with me. And
Speaker:what we're learning is how to work off each other's strengths and
Speaker:identify each other's strengths at any given time. So when we're thrown
Speaker:into chaos, you know, or crisis mode, to be able to look at each
Speaker:other and kind of have that check-in of, like, where are you at
Speaker:and how much do you got? And some days, you know, it's like, you
Speaker:know what? I got this. I got this. If you can keep
Speaker:everybody else occupied, I can handle this crisis here,
Speaker:or I can make that hard phone call, or I can go and do the
Speaker:pickup. Or 2 days ago, my husband spent all night in
Speaker:the emergency room, and he was like, it's okay. I got this. I got this.
Speaker:You go to bed. You sleep so that you can take care of everybody else
Speaker:tomorrow. I will be in Emerge all night tonight, and
Speaker:I'm okay. And he did that, and he spent all night in Emerge,
Speaker:and then he drove straight to work and worked all day. He's incredible.
Speaker:But I knew then that on the flip side, coming out of that, obviously,
Speaker:by the next night, then it was my turn. Right? So
Speaker:to be able to work off of what our natural strengths
Speaker:are, but then also at any given time, just realizing,
Speaker:like, you know, I've already had a chaotic weekend,
Speaker:and I'm I'm at the bottom of the barrel. I've got nothing left to give.
Speaker:I think what we've learned is to be able to communicate that to each other
Speaker:and just be honest about, like, you know what? I'm really struggling. Like, I
Speaker:need some help here. And more often than not and I don't know
Speaker:if this is just, you know, God's grace or whether it's hearing
Speaker:your partner identify so clearly. Like, you know what? I need help. I
Speaker:need you. How can we do this together? Usually, there's
Speaker:one of us who can say, okay. You know what? I hear you. It's okay.
Speaker:I've got this. You go. You take a break or you
Speaker:rest or whatever it might be. Now our previous episode,
Speaker:we talked about how your church
Speaker:community and those surrounding you can kinda be a support to
Speaker:you. I wanna get right back into this marriage conversation because I think it's such
Speaker:a big piece of self care when you're when you have a spouse,
Speaker:that marriage care is really self care. Yes. Because like you said,
Speaker:children are only with you for a season, but your spouse is forever.
Speaker:And you wanna make sure that you're healthy throughout that, and it's also gonna give
Speaker:you a healthier household if if your marriage is healthy and your kids are gonna
Speaker:be happier. So what can the community around you, the church
Speaker:community, do to help support you guys as a couple in the midst
Speaker:of being caregivers with 6 children and a household? How
Speaker:can the church surround you guys as a couple to support your marriage
Speaker:even? Yeah. The first thing that comes
Speaker:to my mind is just, you know, being surrounded by a lot of other
Speaker:people who also value their marriages. I think that's something
Speaker:important that we found in our church community is we're surrounded
Speaker:by other people who are also going through
Speaker:life raising kids, dealing with crises,
Speaker:challenges that come up, and and we see other people around us
Speaker:valuing their marriage and making sure that they're being intentional
Speaker:about taking the time to invest in each other and
Speaker:invest in their relationship. So that's encouraging, just to see that
Speaker:in people around us and and have that influence. So that's been
Speaker:powerful. And then, I mean, just practically, you know,
Speaker:making space to prioritize things like date nights and, you know,
Speaker:time away when we do need it. We do try to take some time
Speaker:take some time away at least every whether it's once a year or
Speaker:once every other year to go away for the weekend. And then
Speaker:just on a on a weekly basis, we've tried to be really intentional about
Speaker:making date nights a priority. We do not go out once
Speaker:a week, to be clear. That's not what date night weekly looks like because that
Speaker:wouldn't be feasible. Right? We don't even with our wonderful community,
Speaker:that is a way that they can and have and do offer support.
Speaker:But we haven't we haven't had anybody consistently in our
Speaker:lives the past 10 years who's willing to babysit once a week. So if you
Speaker:find somebody like that, that's incredible. And that's quite an
Speaker:investment. And, I mean, if you're listening to this and you're,
Speaker:especially, you know, a young adult or maybe
Speaker:you're a couple who you don't have kids of your own or your kids are
Speaker:grown and that's something that you'd be willing to do, I can guarantee
Speaker:that that's something that would be really beneficial to a family who's
Speaker:in the midst of caregiving and just in that hustle and bustle and
Speaker:chaos of life. It's important to spend time alone, and it can be really
Speaker:hard and and just hard to ask people. I think that's that's another thing
Speaker:that I've had to get past is realizing that people really do want to be
Speaker:helpful, and they want to be supportive. But oftentimes, they don't know
Speaker:what to offer. And sometimes we just have to be brave enough to
Speaker:ask and making sure that we're finding those safe people who we
Speaker:know they'll say no if if they can't do it. Right? Because
Speaker:that takes the pressure off of me that maybe somebody's resentfully caring for
Speaker:me. Right? But if we have those people in our life where we know
Speaker:that they're gonna be honest with us and say, no. I'm so sorry. Like, this
Speaker:is a really crazy week for me. I can't do that. Okay. That's
Speaker:totally fine. Just checking. We'll try you again another time.
Speaker:Just having those kinds of conversations, I think, is really great.
Speaker:So if there's listeners that actually know you and are listening to this this conversation,
Speaker:maybe just go buy a nice gift card for you guys to go for dinner
Speaker:and then offer to watch the kids. So that's a good way to
Speaker:like, offering help is probably huge because
Speaker:you you feel like you don't wanna ask for help all the time, especially when
Speaker:it it feels like it might be a burden of 6 kids to put on
Speaker:someone else. Right? So I think one way for the community
Speaker:to come around a couple like you and support your marriage and support your
Speaker:family is just to offer help and to come with an
Speaker:idea already because you're not necessarily thinking about things that you could do
Speaker:together. But saying, here's a gift card I want you to go out, and we're
Speaker:gonna watch your kids on this night. That would probably be a a
Speaker:huge thing. I'm just throwing that in there if there's some listeners that happen to
Speaker:know Alicia. So I love that. And it's some as you were saying that,
Speaker:I would love to just share. Like, there's a few instances that pop into my
Speaker:mind. I mean, right now, while I'm sitting here doing this podcast
Speaker:recording, my friend is watching some of my kids, and this
Speaker:friend has been absolutely incredible. She started out,
Speaker:she was in high school, and she started babysitting for us for a summer.
Speaker:She did do that, like, weekly, pretty much weekly date
Speaker:nights so that we could get out. She started you know, that was years years
Speaker:ago. Now she's a young adult. She has a busy life of her
Speaker:own, but she comes back to our hometown, her hometown for the
Speaker:summers, for at least, you know, periods of the summer. And every time she's
Speaker:home, she's checking in and she's saying, hey. How can I help? What can
Speaker:I do? Let's hang out this week. Let's connect. And I know that she's always
Speaker:willing to spend time with my kids and invest in them and, you know,
Speaker:she'll offer a date night, and that means the world to me. And she's
Speaker:she's a young adult. She there are so many things that she could be doing
Speaker:with her time and her energy, but she's chosen to invest in us, and it's
Speaker:made a huge difference. We we love her so much, and we're so grateful for
Speaker:her. Another thing that pops into my mind is just the random
Speaker:offers. Like you said, when people just offer to help, there was recently
Speaker:a weekend where we were just falling apart at the pieces. And I had a
Speaker:friend come up to us and was just like, hey. Can I take 2 of
Speaker:your kids this afternoon? Can they come over and play? And they didn't even know
Speaker:what was going on. But it just felt like God was like, I see
Speaker:you, and here are your people, and it's gonna be okay. You don't
Speaker:have to do this alone. And then, absolutely, our family. We are
Speaker:surrounded by an incredible extended family who are just
Speaker:always willing to be supportive, and we know that they will be honest.
Speaker:I know that when I call my mother-in-law for, like, the 5th time of the
Speaker:week, and I'm like, I'm so sorry. I know you already
Speaker:spent so much time with your grandchildren this week, but do you want one more
Speaker:hour? She will be honest with me, and she'll say, like, you know what? I
Speaker:need a down day, so not today. And
Speaker:that's what I need. Right? I need I need to know that
Speaker:people will be honest with me so that I don't have to worry that when
Speaker:I'm asking, because I probably don't want to be asking,
Speaker:but I feel like I have to ask, that they'll be honest and and
Speaker:they will let me know. We haven't talked about really
Speaker:preventative things. I mean, you're pretty good at self care because you've done
Speaker:the trauma care training, and it talks a lot about that. But what are some
Speaker:of the signs that you know that you're on the verge of burnout,
Speaker:and what kind of things can you do to mitigate getting to that
Speaker:point? Oh, yeah. I mean,
Speaker:you say I'm I'm pretty good at this. I I I don't know, Johan.
Speaker:You you have the information as as a trauma care
Speaker:trainer. Right? So Yes. I do have the information. And so
Speaker:now maybe, yes, possibly, I recognize that I I'd
Speaker:like to think I recognize the signs a little bit sooner than I did
Speaker:longer ago. But, definitely, I for me, and I think for
Speaker:a lot of caregivers, it's, you know, when you start to see things
Speaker:like, I'm waking up at 2 in the morning pretty regularly,
Speaker:and my brain can't stop spinning. And I can't go back to sleep for,
Speaker:like, 2 hours because I'm worrying that we're not gonna be
Speaker:okay. I'm not gonna make it through the next week or the next day
Speaker:or, you know, trying to problem solve the next year in
Speaker:your mind. Because at 2 AM, I don't know, things just go haywire.
Speaker:Right? It's it's not a good time for processing, but we try anyway.
Speaker:You know, things like that or just just constant
Speaker:exhaustion, irritability. I had a day recently where I
Speaker:woke up, and I just felt irritated at the world.
Speaker:And as I recognized that, I was able to
Speaker:stop and, with some curiosity, try to
Speaker:think about, okay. What is going on inside of me right now?
Speaker:Which reminds me, I have a little tip to offer.
Speaker:There is an app. It's called how we feel, and I love it.
Speaker:It's absolutely wonderful. You just download it on your phone, Android
Speaker:or or iPhone, and it sends me notifications throughout the day.
Speaker:So it kinda reminds me, like, just checking in how you're feeling.
Speaker:And so you click on the app, and it starts off with 4 different categories.
Speaker:So you can choose from high energy or low
Speaker:energy, and there's kind of the low
Speaker:energy positive and low energy negative, and then
Speaker:high energy positive or high energy negative. What I love about those four
Speaker:options is that usually I can identify, okay. Am I high
Speaker:energy or low energy? And am I feeling, like,
Speaker:okay or not okay? And then from there, once you tap on
Speaker:one of those options, it gives you a whole bunch of words to choose from
Speaker:to try to identify how you're feeling. And that might sound hilarious.
Speaker:Like, a number of years ago, if you would've asked me, like, do you
Speaker:know how you're feeling most of the time? I would've said, oh, for sure. Absolutely.
Speaker:Yes. I'm, like, emotionally intelligent. I know what's going on inside of me. I
Speaker:understand how I feel. But what I've realized over the last number of years
Speaker:is that I actually don't know what I'm feeling most of the
Speaker:time. And so how can I problem solve and be creative about
Speaker:caring for myself when I don't even know how to diagnose the
Speaker:problem or what's going on? And so I love this app for
Speaker:that. You can click on the little bubbles that show the words, and it will
Speaker:give you a little description. And you would not believe how many times I'm
Speaker:just kind of, like, tapping through going like, no. That's not quite it.
Speaker:No. That's not quite it. And then I find when I'm like, yes. Yes. That's
Speaker:it. Okay. I know how I'm feeling. And just the relief that I find in
Speaker:being able to identify. Okay, I know what's going on inside of me,
Speaker:usually following up, then I can figure out, okay,
Speaker:what do I need? Or is this just a wonderful moment to celebrate?
Speaker:Right? Obviously, it this is a great idea to use this app when
Speaker:you're having really positive feelings as well and to be able to just celebrate that
Speaker:and take some time to have a worship moment and praise God and say, you
Speaker:know what? Thank you so much for this moment. We are having a good day,
Speaker:or this has been a great hour for me. I feel so much peace or
Speaker:so much joy or just that abundance of gratitude right now. And I'm
Speaker:thankful for that and to just live in that moment for a bit. But if
Speaker:things are rocky or hard or there's sadness,
Speaker:there's grief, there's overwhelm, there's overstimulation, so many different things going
Speaker:on to be able to realize, like, okay. How can I make a little shift
Speaker:and get back to a space where I'm going to be able to offer care
Speaker:to all these people who are coming to me and looking to me to meet
Speaker:their needs? So the How We Feel app, not not
Speaker:a sponsor, should be. Yes. I'll I'll throw that in the
Speaker:show notes for people that wanna pick that up. But Awesome. As a
Speaker:trauma care trainer, and many of our listeners haven't
Speaker:taken this trauma care training, How much has that helped
Speaker:you in self care? Even even learning about the
Speaker:children that you care for and the trauma that they've gone through, what's your
Speaker:pitch on people taking the trauma care course to get better at
Speaker:self care? Yes. Well, I think this
Speaker:has been a huge part of self care for me. I think
Speaker:early on and if you listen to the the last episode that I was on,
Speaker:I kinda tell the story of what brought my husband and I to trauma
Speaker:care. But as we started learning about how trauma
Speaker:has impacted many of the kids in our home and also
Speaker:how trauma has impacted ourselves, that came a little bit later,
Speaker:I started to be able to peel off some of those layers of
Speaker:guilt and of anxiety and
Speaker:overwhelm because I really didn't know what was going on.
Speaker:And similar to what we just talked about where, you know,
Speaker:knowing how I'm feeling can help me to kinda diagnose the situation and figure
Speaker:out how to move forward. It's the same with my kids. When I
Speaker:understand a little bit more about how trauma has
Speaker:impacted them, I can sort of diagnose what's going on
Speaker:and realize, like, okay. There are impacts here
Speaker:that are completely out of my control. I
Speaker:didn't cause this, and there's nothing I can do to go
Speaker:back and fix it. But what I can do is I can
Speaker:move forward with the knowledge of what's going on.
Speaker:And oftentimes, my way forward is going to look different
Speaker:with an understanding of where we're truly at. Again,
Speaker:similar to my own emotions. Right? If I think I'm just
Speaker:angry, then I might have a a lot of
Speaker:interesting ways of trying to solve that. But if I understand that
Speaker:I'm angry, but my anger is masking grief
Speaker:or anxiety, then it's going to look different in the way
Speaker:that I move forward. And it's the same thing with my kids. I still
Speaker:struggle. I think every mom does. I still struggle with a lot
Speaker:of guilt, a lot of should haves, would haves,
Speaker:you know, wanting to be perfect and
Speaker:wrestling with my own capacity limits and my own
Speaker:weaknesses, my own challenges, my own vicarious
Speaker:trauma. But the knowledge and the understanding really
Speaker:does pave a way toward freedom and healing
Speaker:that is just just beautiful. And I'm so thankful that self
Speaker:care is a part of this course. It comes right at the
Speaker:end. It's the last module of the course,
Speaker:which I love because, you know, we've learned all these things, and
Speaker:then we wrap it up with self care. But at Care Impact, we've also been
Speaker:having a lot of conversations about how do we make sure that
Speaker:we bring this in sooner. And so this fall, when I'm teaching, we're we're
Speaker:actually gonna talk about it on the 1st day already. We're going to talk about
Speaker:impact, and then we're going to go right ahead and talk about self care. So
Speaker:I'm interested to see kind of how that plays out and how that feels.
Speaker:We'd like to think that as caregivers, we're we're
Speaker:fine. Right? We're fine. We're just we're always
Speaker:fine. We can do it. Especially if you equip us with all this
Speaker:knowledge, we'll be fine. There's the other f word. Right? Yes.
Speaker:Yep. Yes. The f word. But we're not fine
Speaker:that so many of us are not okay. And until
Speaker:we start to get real about that and we start to figure out how to
Speaker:move ourselves toward a healthier place, we're not going to be able to
Speaker:care well, especially all these strategies. So
Speaker:something interesting that I've found as I've started learning more about trauma care
Speaker:is that as long as I'm, like, in the material and I'm regularly, like,
Speaker:refreshing myself on the strategies and the why behind
Speaker:it and the understanding, I find it's very helpful.
Speaker:However, if I take too long of a break this is
Speaker:maybe just me. But if I take too long of a break, things start to
Speaker:get a little bit fuzzy. Often what happens is I
Speaker:guess this is probably, honestly, the enemy. It's like he takes that knowledge and
Speaker:he uses it against me. Right? Because he's like, oh my goodness. You're a
Speaker:trauma care trainer. You should know better than this. You should be doing
Speaker:things this way. Look at you know, there's there's, like, 10 strategies listed out
Speaker:here for you, and you're not doing any of them. What are you doing? You
Speaker:know, that you're a failure. All all these lies from the enemy.
Speaker:But as long as I am in that material and actually getting
Speaker:it in context, there's so much about the why, and
Speaker:there's so much about the practical how to do this, and there's
Speaker:so much compassion for the caregiver.
Speaker:And I love that. Our whole team at Care Impact is passionate
Speaker:about compassion for caregivers. Because if we're not compassionate
Speaker:toward ourselves, there's no way we're going to be able to be compassionate for
Speaker:those that we're caring for. The vulnerable people around us,
Speaker:they're not going to get that compassion if we're not practicing it on ourselves
Speaker:as well. Which is why trauma care is so much more effective in the
Speaker:midst of community communities that are all trained in it. Right? Which
Speaker:Yes. I mean, you're not gonna forget it as easily when everybody's
Speaker:practicing it on a regular basis. So that's something that we really strive for to
Speaker:see the church trained and equipped in trauma care. So, you
Speaker:listeners, if you're looking for it, Care Impact does offer it in many
Speaker:places. Alicia's doing a training in October in Ottawa. So we're
Speaker:excited about that, and there's always gonna be more. There's some online options
Speaker:as well. So we're coming to the end of our time here. It's just flying
Speaker:by. So before we finish here, though, I wanna make sure that you have
Speaker:an opportunity to give some practical tips or advice that you
Speaker:might have. I'll give you the last word here, Alicia.
Speaker:Thank you, Johan. Yeah. When I when I just think about practical
Speaker:self care, there's so many things that come to mind. The top of
Speaker:the list right now for me, because this is something that I've really been
Speaker:investing in lately, is therapy, Therapy for yourself as a
Speaker:caregiver. I know that's not an option for everybody.
Speaker:But if it's even remotely an option, I would encourage you
Speaker:to seek out professional counselor or
Speaker:therapist who can help you walk through your own big
Speaker:feelings. We mentioned vicarious trauma just briefly.
Speaker:When we walk with others who have hard stories,
Speaker:foster care brings a lot of trauma, a lot of grief, a lot of
Speaker:loss. It's just hard. I've had to sit through
Speaker:some some really graphic details of
Speaker:hard stories, and it changes you. It shifts
Speaker:things inside of you. And there are some things that are really hard to
Speaker:forget and really hard to set down. And many of us as
Speaker:caregivers have been in situations that we never ever dreamt that we would
Speaker:ever be in and had to make very hard decisions that
Speaker:just they do. They they keep us awake at 2 in the morning with
Speaker:all the the ifs, ands, and should'ves, and what could I have done
Speaker:differently, and how did things possibly come to this? I must be
Speaker:doing something horribly wrong. It's been really important for me
Speaker:to to spend time caring for myself by seeking out that
Speaker:professional who can help me walk through what's going on inside of me. How
Speaker:can I develop good habits in my own life? And just giving me
Speaker:a space to talk, to let it all out with no guilt.
Speaker:You know, I'm not trying to care for my therapist. She's not my
Speaker:friend. She's not my spouse. She's not my child. She's not a
Speaker:relative. She's just my therapist. And her
Speaker:only job is to sit there and to listen to me and reflect
Speaker:back to me. This is what I'm hearing you say. What do you think about
Speaker:this? And to help me come up with strategies for me, for my personal
Speaker:life. I feel like, you know, I spend so much time investing and
Speaker:advocating for my kids and how to help them be healthier, but
Speaker:I need somebody to invest in me too. And that's where
Speaker:therapy comes in for me. I've also done biblical counseling in the past,
Speaker:and that was wonderful perspective. Just depending on where you're
Speaker:at, what you're experiencing in your in your brain, in your body, and
Speaker:your emotions, and your beliefs, I think that will shift in which way
Speaker:which direction you might wanna go in that that frame. And
Speaker:then, I mean, we've talked about marriage a lot. That's important
Speaker:as far as just personal personal ways of caring for myself.
Speaker:I know that I need time in nature. I need time to be
Speaker:outside. I love the quote that says nature
Speaker:rightsizes our world. You know, we go outside, and
Speaker:suddenly we are so so small, and our
Speaker:problems become smaller, and our perspective shifts.
Speaker:That's important for me, and I know it is for a lot of people. We
Speaker:love to go camping. So in the summertime, that's always an important part of our
Speaker:summer. We go for a couple weekends. We go camping. We live by
Speaker:Georgian Bay, so we go out on the bay. We get, like, a Crownland spot.
Speaker:It's beautiful. It's absolutely breathtaking out there. Just being
Speaker:surrounded by giant skies and
Speaker:forests and water, it's very therapeutic for me.
Speaker:And I I just find it it gives me a chance to just breathe,
Speaker:I guess. Deep breathing is just one of those practical,
Speaker:my kids tell me all the time. It doesn't work for me, mom. But
Speaker:I promise you, keep keep trying with your kids and keep trying with
Speaker:yourself. Like, it's scientifically proven when we breathe and
Speaker:just learn how to breathe properly and relax the muscles in our
Speaker:neck, in our shoulders, our facial muscles, all the way down
Speaker:to the soles of our feet. It can change how we're able to
Speaker:think, how we're able to process, just to be able to bring some clarity to
Speaker:those moments when we're overwhelmed and overstimulated.
Speaker:Journaling, mindfulness. I know that's kind of a a
Speaker:hot topic word right now in society. But mindfulness is just paying
Speaker:attention to where you are right now and what's going on
Speaker:in this moment. And, again, I think it's such a
Speaker:biblical practice to just slow down and just
Speaker:realize, like, there are so many things that I'm worrying about
Speaker:and anxious about that are out of my control. There's nothing I can do
Speaker:about them. But what I can do is make good choices
Speaker:right now in this moment. And I can notice what's around me. I
Speaker:can practice gratitude for the things that are
Speaker:beautiful and good in this world. And the
Speaker:beautiful thing is, as Christians, we can ask our creator
Speaker:how he thinks of us as his created beings. And that's
Speaker:part of mindfulness as as believers, I believe. Yes. Thank you so
Speaker:much for so many beautiful insights and
Speaker:another great conversation. Thanks for coming on, Alicia. Thanks for having
Speaker:me back. I loved it. Thank you for joining another
Speaker:conversation on Journey with Care, where we inspire
Speaker:curious Canadians on their path of faith and living life with
Speaker:purpose in community. Journey with Care is an initiative of Care
Speaker:Impact, a Canadian charity dedicated to connecting and equipping the
Speaker:whole church to journey well in community. You can visit their website
Speaker:at careimpact. Ca, or visit journey with care. Ca to get
Speaker:more information on weekly episodes, Journey with Prayer, and details
Speaker:about our upcoming events and meetups. You can also leave us a
Speaker:message, share your thoughts, and connect with like minded individuals
Speaker:who are on their own journeys of faith and purpose. Thank you for
Speaker:sharing this podcast and helping these stories reach the community. Together,
Speaker:we can explore ways to journey in a good way. And always
Speaker:remember to stay curious.
