Backstage Pass to Trauma Care | Grace, Grit, and Showing Up With Mel

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Welcome back to Journey with Care. This is part of our summer speedo series

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where we slow things down and make space for short, thoughtful conversations

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that meet you right where you are. Today's episode, again, is hosted by Tim who's

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part of our trauma care team here at Care Impact. If you've been journeying with

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us for a while, you've heard Tim's voice before, always steady, always

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curious. He's joined by Mel, a returning guest and longtime

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foster parent whose story continues to unfold with grace,

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grit, and honest reflection. Together, they talk about what it really means

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to show up with compassion in the day to day when you're tired, when you're

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learning, and when love asks more for you than what you've planned for. Let's

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listen in.

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Alright. Well, Mel, thank you so much for joining us today on the podcast.

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You're not a stranger to our audience. You've been here before,

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and you shared some stories. I wonder if today you could

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start just sharing something that brought you a spark

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of joy, in this past week. Sure. Thanks for

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having me back. So we are in Ontario, and it has

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been, well, quite cold and rainy. And we finally

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just got some sunshine yesterday, so I am sitting

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on my porch. I call it the pink room, and this is my space.

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And, it's been really nice just to sit out here and listen

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to the sounds of summer coming, so that's been a highlight.

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So good. I can hear the birds in the background. It's beautiful. Maybe our

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listeners will be able to, on this episode. We

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are just taking a quick moment together to hear a

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story from you. Could you tell us a little bit about what you do and

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something about your day to day life? So my husband, Chris, and I, we live

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here, in Ontario, just outside of Ottawa, and we have

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two teenage daughters. We are a home that opens up

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to, international students as well as foster children, and we have

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been doing that for almost twelve years.

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So we've had lots coming in and out. Teenagers,

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and and mostly two and under is the age that we foster with.

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So we've had 13 placements

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and, currently our home. We have nobody extra right now.

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And so we are just waiting to see, what's next and who's

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next and trusting God for that process. My

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husband is going to school right now to become a high school

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teacher, so that's been a new shift for us and new journey

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for us. Mel, that's so beautiful. What a legacy that

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you've already created over twelve years with so many in and out of your

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home, different ages and stages, and I can't imagine how much work that

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gives you and how much joy it gives you as well just to be part

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of the lives of many different people. You're part of our trauma care training

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team, so where we're going today in our conversation is not

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unique to you and I sharing on this. Can you share a little bit

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about your journey in understanding trauma? What first opened your eyes

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to going on on this learning journey that you've been on for some time

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now? Sure. Probably about three years ago

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now, I attended two conferences. One was for foster and

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adoptive moms, and one was the Hope Conference

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that was, telecasted here in Ottawa. Both

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involved some training and some topics that were kind of

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new to me, and that really

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started to pique my interest. And so I had done a few

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trainings at the conference that I went to, just some little breakout

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sessions, and had been invited to go to this HOPE conference,

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which touched on TBRI training. Some of those things

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were just really new to me in how a way a different way to

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approach foster care, which was at the forefront of my mind.

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Although, as I continued to learn, I realized that it plays a role

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in all of our relationships with our own children, with

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people in the church, people that we come across in our day to day lives

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and how we can hold space and treat them. So that was a big

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piece for me. And because we were in the middle of doing foster

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care, it really, really was helpful for me,

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really understanding the effects of trauma, generational

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trauma, understanding the kids that we have in our home,

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but also like their parents and their families and a

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lot of what they had lived through and been through. So it really shifted for

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me my approach, although maybe on the outside it

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didn't look too different. The inside was really

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God changing my heart and and opening my eyes to what

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was most likely going on and then how I can

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walk beside these kiddos in our home

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with more grace and more space. It's beautiful.

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As a trainer with our training team and having done the training, of

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course, is there something that's resonated with you

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from our material that has really

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practically helped you care well for those who are in your in your

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home or in your circles? A

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lot of things. Definitely a lot have are

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popping up. But I think one of the biggest

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ones for me that really stands out and that,

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you know, I try and I try and do and even in my own teenage

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girls lives is connection before correction

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and just really taking time to understand

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the need behind the behavior. You know, something is upsetting somebody or,

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you know, if we have a toddler and all of a sudden they go from,

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you know, zero to 60 is not

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focusing on what happened, but working

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really hard on on making a connection with them. And, you

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know, some depending on the age of the kid in your home, sometimes you need

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to go back later and do a repair or talk through a situation.

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But nine times out of 10, it's just them

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needing some connection with you, and they just don't have the language to ask

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for it. So, you know, I'm thinking of a toddler that we had in our

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home and, you know, just all of a sudden, we've gone

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from playing to big explosive behavior.

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And I think before I would have tried to, like, fix

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it and, you know, gone around and,

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you know, try and maybe talk their way through it even though, you know, maybe

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they're not quite old enough. And now I would just scoop them

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up and we would just go for a walk and I'd hold them and we

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would be able to deescalate in in way less time than than I would

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have maybe had before. So I think that's probably my my

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biggest takeaway in all of the trainings that I've been through in

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Saturn is just really making a point of that

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connection piece and how effective it is. It

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makes such a difference, doesn't it, to prioritize connection, yet it's so

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challenging to do. You know, in our

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training, we really focus on this idea of caring for yourself. Is there a

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way that you've seen the way that you carry yourself,

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connect with yourself, care for yourself, shift and change over these years

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of learning? Yes. In our last eleven

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years of fostering and and just going through life, you

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know, in our own family, Definitely had probably had to

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learn the hard way of what it means to push pause

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or say no or not right now. Yeah. I definitely did learn that

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the hard way. And so it's been a journey for me of coming on the

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other side of learning what what self care actually

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looks like, what it actually means. I mean, we cover this in our

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training too, which has been very helpful and it looks so different too for other

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people. And, you know, some people need different things. I

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think something that's I'm learning recently is just honoring that

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it's okay if I need some time to push pause and say

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no and then come back. And I did learn, like I

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said, the hard way of when I didn't do that, it came at a

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cost, not just in my own, but, you know, for the relationships around

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me. And so that was a big learning thing

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that I, you know, I mean, we have to learn the things to grow

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and change, and I think it's been more of a mind shift than

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anything. It's not necessarily one thing. Although,

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you know, there are different helpful, having a good support team. I've

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been blessed to find an amazing counselor and,

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you know, learning to go for walks and take some of those times.

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But I think it looks different for everybody. And and sometimes capacity wise,

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sometimes that shifts. Right? Like, when we have a little person in our

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home, it's it's gonna look a bit different than when I don't.

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But knowing that it's important now and that and asking for help also

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has been a big learning thing for me too. Yeah. So many things can

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seem so urgent in places where we're caring for those

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who might be carrying trauma. And at the same

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time, we need to be our best selves. And so I love that

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encouragement to press pause. Mhmm. If there was somebody listening who's

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been thinking about starting a learning journey or continuing a learning

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journey to understand trauma a little more and how to care well,

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what would you encourage them? I think one thing is

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that although my lens is, you know, foster care,

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I think the lens is is so much bigger. And I and I think

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when I started this journey of learning, yes, I was looking at it through the

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foster care lens, but then realizing, okay, there

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are people in my lives, there are people in my church,

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there are people that you come across,

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and trauma has affected a lot of people in more

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ways than I think we, you know, realized even five years

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ago. And so for me, I I do feel very

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strongly that, you know, being trauma informed and understanding

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how this can play a role in people's lives

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and in realizing too, like, oh, their

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behavior is most likely because of something that happened to

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them, you know, thinking of adults. But, like, something happened in their

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lives that, has brought them to this point.

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And, well, first of all, to be able to hold space for that,

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have some more compassion, more empathy, more understanding,

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really does shift how we interact with everybody.

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So I think, although maybe sometimes we

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think, oh, it's mostly with children or, you know, children that

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have come into care or adoption, but I think, you know, we're

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really seeing this need for for a lot of people to

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understand and be informed, whether you're a teacher or, you

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know, a leader in a church, pastor

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working in the public, all those kinds of things. So I

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it's out there, and I think learning and understanding is

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really a way that we can dive in and be able to hold

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space for those that we want to love and want to extend an

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arm and a hand to because Jesus has asked us to.

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That's beautiful. Thank you. Yeah. Just your naming that

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there's so many of us carrying hard things. We need so many of us

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equipped with compassion and understanding. Thank you so

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much, Mel, for sharing your story, for sharing yourself, and this

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encouragement to our listeners. May you have a wonderful summer enjoying that,

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back porch. Thank you. You too. Thank you

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for joining us on Journey with Care. To get more information on weekly

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episodes, upcoming opportunities, or to connect with our

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community, visit journeywithcare.ca, or find Care Impact

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links and all the links related to this episode. Share your thoughts,

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leave us a message, and be part of a network of individuals journeying in

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meaningful impact.