Choosing Kin | Part 2: From College to Marriage With Danika
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This episode is dedicated in loving memory Joel who is mentioned (not in name) in this episode.
Description
In this second episode of a 3-part series, "Choosing Kin", Johan Heinrichs continues his poignant conversation with Danika, his adopted daughter, about her journey from college to her wedding. Through their candid discussion, they explore her experience at bible college, the hardships she faced, and the meaningful connections she made with Johan and his family.
The episode delves into Danika's struggles with mental health and her evolving relationship with her birth father, ultimately leading to Johan offering to walk her down the aisle at her wedding.
This unique story and Danika's journey to becoming part of Johan's family will set the stage for the next episode, which delves into the blessings and challenges of having being adopted into a family as an adult.
Timestamps
[05:13] Bible College event, promoting internship.
[09:48] Painful year in small town.
[13:30] Internship helped connect with God, process trauma.
[16:50] Guitar led to discipleship and healthy boundaries.
[17:59] Limiting discussions on fatherhood.
[24:23] Building relationships with husband through healing journey.
[27:13] Reconnecting with dad after years of distance.
[31:00] Reconnecting with dad, wedding struggles, emotional turmoil.
[33:35] Finding happiness in marriage, healing from past.
Guest Links
Book: Bible 360 by Daniel Lim: https://www.amazon.ca/Bible-360-Daniel-Lim/dp/1938060377
Other Links
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Transcript
What does loving your neighbor actually look like? This
Speaker:is Journey with Care, where curious Canadians get inspired
Speaker:to love others well through real life stories and honest
Speaker:conversations.
Speaker:Alright. We are back for the 2nd in our series. I
Speaker:have my adopted daughter Danika on with us. This is the
Speaker:2nd episode. The 1st episode, we talked about your story, Growing
Speaker:up, what it was like, your relationship with your parents,
Speaker:how he struggled with PTSD, some of the struggles
Speaker:you had in school, and your parents divorcing
Speaker:and splitting up and how that's affected you. So I encourage listeners, if you haven't
Speaker:listened to that one, make sure you go back and listen to that.
Speaker:And I was definitely looking forward to this episode after hearing your story in that
Speaker:last episode. Okay. So we ended the last episode with a bit of a
Speaker:cliffhanger. You haven't met me yet. You were in bible college?
Speaker:Yes. I was in bible college. We
Speaker:left off kinda talking about the overall, like, feeling with bible college,
Speaker:but I didn't meet you until the last
Speaker:month of bible college. Actually, that year. It's still your 1st year in bible
Speaker:college? Yes. Yeah. My 1st and only year in Bible
Speaker:college. So interesting again. Like, this is where the sovereignty of
Speaker:god comes in, I think in one of the coolest ways. So
Speaker:for some background, I went to youth conferences at this Bible
Speaker:college my whole time in high school, And I had befriended a
Speaker:student there. I was scrolling on Facebook one day, and
Speaker:I saw her make a post. And I was like, you know what? We haven't
Speaker:talked in, like, a year or so. I texted her. We talked back
Speaker:and forth a bit, and I found out she was coming to the Bible College,
Speaker:like, in a week with the prayer ministry she was a part of. And so
Speaker:I was so excited. It was beautiful because now it was
Speaker:like she was coming back to the bible college as an alumni, And I was
Speaker:now a student at the same conference I would attend. And so
Speaker:I thought that was just, like, beautiful enough. And, of course, I was relieved to
Speaker:have someone coming that You like me. What Wendi up
Speaker:happening is I didn't have a lot of responsibilities during the
Speaker:conference weekend, because I was on the prayer team. So we, like,
Speaker:really only were needed in the evenings, and so I ended up spending a lot
Speaker:of time with this friend. And this is where Johan comes in. It's It's where
Speaker:I come in. Yeah. You were with said friend as well. You guys kinda stayed
Speaker:as, like, a trio. Well, the ministry that we are part of went
Speaker:to that bible college, many times, we did prayer rooms
Speaker:for some of the conferences, and then we've done some workshops as well on prayer
Speaker:and worship. So that was part of our regular routine,
Speaker:Maybe going once or twice a year. So this happened to
Speaker:be what year? 2018. 2018. Yeah. So this is probably
Speaker:the last time I went there, actually, but I think so. Yeah. I remember I
Speaker:went I went to your workshop, actually. That's where we first started talking.
Speaker:As I went to your workshop, I don't remember what it was on. I don't
Speaker:know if I remember either. You had your guitar. Yeah. And then It was on
Speaker:worship for sure. And then I would just taught myself guitar that
Speaker:year. And so I was like, hey. That's a nice guitar. Do you mind if
Speaker:I play it a little bit? And you're like, yeah. Just be careful. And
Speaker:so I played it a bit. And then Expensive guitar.
Speaker:So, yeah, be careful. I emphasize that for sure. Yeah. Yeah. You know,
Speaker:I'm playing it a little bit, and then you give it back at that point.
Speaker:And then We go back and forth, and at one point, you're like, if you
Speaker:wanna go into the prayer room during one of our hours that we would be
Speaker:playing and wanna sing a bit, you can. And I was like, what?
Speaker:I'm like, you haven't even heard me sing. And I played 4
Speaker:chords. And so, really got
Speaker:my attention because I definitely felt like there was favoritism
Speaker:at my college for certain students Who got leadership
Speaker:opportunities or it's just how I interpreted it.
Speaker:It also just kinda felt like Anxiety and depression just always held me
Speaker:back. It's like you would be really good at this once that's gone.
Speaker:And so I was at that point feeling defeated, and, like, I'd never
Speaker:Find a community that would see, like, potential and value in me and,
Speaker:like, want to steward that and disciple me in it
Speaker:before I got, like, miraculously healed or because
Speaker:it was like a Pentecostal circle I've cited before, I could finally,
Speaker:you know, get rid of those demons that are Pestering me all the
Speaker:time. Side note, I grew up Pentecostal. My dad is a Pentecostal
Speaker:pastor. So that's one of the things that I think we had that, you know,
Speaker:that Connection with Mhmm. Both growing up Pentecostal
Speaker:from Saskatchewan. So there's that connection. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wendi talk about that a
Speaker:bit too. And so, Like any traumatized person, you don't really have
Speaker:emotional boundaries. So, like, we talked a little bit more, and
Speaker:there's an internship being offered at your Yeah. That was one of the
Speaker:reasons for us going to the Bible College. They invited us, but they also
Speaker:invite us to promote our internship, which is Basically,
Speaker:like a DTS where young people would come into our program, which
Speaker:is training and equipping young people to worship in prayer and spend the
Speaker:season Just really seeking out god for the life and going deep in the
Speaker:word and various aspects of the prayer room, learning how to pray in the prayer
Speaker:room as well. So, that was one of the reasons we came to the College,
Speaker:we had a boost set up. I think we're giving away T shirts. I think
Speaker:you might have got a T shirt. I don't think I got a T shirt.
Speaker:Oh, you didn't get a T shirt. I think you guys We're out of T
Speaker:shirts at that point. Oh, okay. You got candy. I got Wendi. Yep.
Speaker:And I got to help hand out the cards you guys had Even though I
Speaker:wasn't a part of it, that was that was wild. That was interesting that you
Speaker:were helping us, not really a part of our team or anything. And, yeah, like,
Speaker:giving you that opportunity to leave worship or play guitar
Speaker:even. That's something that's always been on my heart. Right? Which is why we're
Speaker:doing the internship is to, really see those gifts
Speaker:develop in young people and giving them that opportunity to find out
Speaker:what God's plan is for their life. So Yeah. Yeah. And so,
Speaker:You know, I hung out with you guys for the weekend, and it was great.
Speaker:You did hang out with us. You joined us for meals. You kinda followed us
Speaker:around a little bit. I I basically was just, like, Your guy's a shadow at
Speaker:that point, and you guys weren't annoyed by me. So I was like, wow.
Speaker:This is interesting. And so It wasn't you,
Speaker:but the other person that was there was like, you should come to
Speaker:Winnipeg and hang out with us for, like, a week or two to see what
Speaker:we do. And I was like, oh, yeah. Maybe, like, in a year or so.
Speaker:I'm trying to do another year at bible college, and I think it was,
Speaker:like, a week later I ended up calling that person. And was like,
Speaker:hey. Winnipeg's on my way home from where I was
Speaker:going for a week after school ended. Although, like, at the end
Speaker:of that weekend that we were there, you did come up to us and you
Speaker:were asking a lot of questions already. Yeah. Like, really interested
Speaker:in What it what it's about. It almost felt like you were on board
Speaker:already, like signing up. Yeah. I was already on board. I was just like,
Speaker:well, I gotta, you know, do another year of Bible College 1st, even though I
Speaker:really don't wanna be here. And so I actually ended up going and
Speaker:visiting Winnipeg 2 weeks after school ended, and I was there for 2
Speaker:weeks. I think we were doing a conference at that point as well. And I
Speaker:also helped with that conference. That was interesting as well. This random
Speaker:Girl that we met at a bible college, has never been here before, and she's
Speaker:helping at our conference. Yeah. Actually, it it seems to be, like,
Speaker:Something I just do. I ended up having a really good conversation with one of
Speaker:the other staff members, at the prayer ministry at the end of my
Speaker:trip. And They pretty much
Speaker:convinced me that I could just come and do the internship.
Speaker:And I was like, wow. Okay. I felt
Speaker:wanted. I felt appreciated, and I felt like people finally saw that there is
Speaker:something in me of value. Even though, like, at that point, I
Speaker:viewed myself as broken and, like, always, like, a
Speaker:burden to people and just All these different things. And my dad
Speaker:has a nice relationship. Like, again, it was bad at that point. Like, he was
Speaker:he was really deteriorated at that point. And I was getting really into Jesus, and
Speaker:that was just we were butting heads. Did you tell him about you
Speaker:going to Winnipeg? I actually didn't. I didn't I didn't tell him.
Speaker:And so I took the Greyhound bus home from Winnipeg.
Speaker:And when my mom picked me up 17
Speaker:and a half hours later, The first thing I said to her is, like, I'm
Speaker:gonna move to Winnipeg in September. And then she's like, no. You're
Speaker:not. And I was like, excuse me? Because I'm thinking is this, like,
Speaker:this 18 going on 19 year old, like, you can't tell me what to do
Speaker:anymore. But she was like, I needed to get
Speaker:A jaw surgery just because of how I was born. And so
Speaker:she's like, you're on the waiting list. Like That was a big thing for you,
Speaker:your jaw. Yeah. Let's do a little bit of A sidebar there. Like, what kind
Speaker:of pain were you dealing with at that point? And was that discouraging for you?
Speaker:And It was really discouraging for me. Because there's an emphasis on A lot
Speaker:of healing at the Bible College, and you didn't really experience that. Right? No.
Speaker:But people pray for my jaw all the time. They're like, you don't need surgery.
Speaker:And I'm like, I do. I do. Like
Speaker:Surgery is okay. And so I wasn't discouraged at that point. I was, like,
Speaker:fine with surgery. I was just afraid that I wasn't gonna wake up. So yeah.
Speaker:I had my top and bottom jaw broken at the same time. And
Speaker:then for cosmetic reasons, my nose was slightly
Speaker:Reduced, and I have a chin implant as well. And I did it all at
Speaker:once because I wanted to move to Winnipeg. So it was like 4 different surgeries
Speaker:at the same time. It was very painful, and I also, like, needed to be
Speaker:home for another year in small town Saskatchewan, the place I
Speaker:didn't wanna be. And so that was, like, probably
Speaker:one of the hardest years of my life. The way to describe the pain is,
Speaker:like, it wasn't, like, sharp, but it's like a dull Egg Wendi.
Speaker:I think the hardest part was watching my face change. Because,
Speaker:like, I'd known one face my whole life. And then
Speaker:My voice changed a bit, and my nose was
Speaker:different. My chin was different, and it took a year and a bit
Speaker:for the swelling to completely come down. The weird thing is, like, I didn't recognize
Speaker:myself in the mirror for, like, a good month. So let's just
Speaker:let's clarify that timeline. You're a Bible college. I come
Speaker:there with our team, and you basically say you wanna come
Speaker:to Winnipeg. 2 weeks later, you go to our conference in Winnipeg.
Speaker:You're helping out. Felt like you're already part of the team, all in already.
Speaker:Yep. Again, at the conference, you're asking a lot of questions. Yeah. And then you
Speaker:head back home for the surgery right away? Yep. And then my anxiety
Speaker:and depression got really bad. Just having another year at home. It was more the
Speaker:small town. Be back there for a year. I was very happy when my
Speaker:surgeon cleared me, because I was home for a a full leg
Speaker:from September Until August of
Speaker:2019. How did you feel going back home for a year? I
Speaker:felt discouraged. And it's hard to say because it's like, I do love
Speaker:my mom and my sister. And I didn't wanna be
Speaker:in that small town. I was really hurt by my church
Speaker:members, and it's really discouraging to go back to that. You know,
Speaker:being back in the small town, Again, that's the
Speaker:cycle with my dad, like, pick up again. In and out. In and out.
Speaker:It was really hard to even connect with Jesus for, like, 6 months after the
Speaker:surgery because of the pain And the fuzziness from all the pain medication I had
Speaker:to be on. And so I also took a really big hit in my relationship
Speaker:with him. I went 6 months with barely hearing his voice, and I hadn't Ever.
Speaker:Done that since I've known him at 14. So Alright. So you're
Speaker:working as an EA, earning some money to hopefully move to
Speaker:Winnipeg that was kind of in the plans Danika Mhmm. Was your mom still
Speaker:saying, no. You're not moving to Winnipeg, or was this Once I got, like, the
Speaker:job searching, she was fine. She's like, go do what you want. And
Speaker:I decided I was moving to Winnipeg and staying in Winnipeg before I got
Speaker:to Winnipeg. It wasn't just like a, I'm coming for the internship, and then I'll,
Speaker:like, figure it out. I was like, I'm coming for the internship, and then I'm
Speaker:gonna figure out how I'm gonna live in Winnipeg. And so I don't
Speaker:drive independently, so I got on a train
Speaker:and did a 17 and a half hour train ride to
Speaker:move to Winnipeg. So I think because you were the director, You were the one
Speaker:that picked me up from the train station at, like, 12:30 in the morning.
Speaker:Yeah. That was pretty late. Yeah. Yeah. You picked me up at, like, 12:30 in
Speaker:the morning, and then Dropped me off where I was gonna be
Speaker:staying for a month before I went to the other place I was gonna be
Speaker:staying. It was a big culture shock for me actually moving back to the city.
Speaker:What was that like? I was too afraid to walk down the street by myself.
Speaker:And so it was actually in Winnipeg. Like, just a transition. So I
Speaker:went into the internship, had a great time. We ended
Speaker:up having a class with you called the father's heart, which is my
Speaker:most difficult class because I don't like connecting with God that
Speaker:way. That's where it started for me that you and I started talking a
Speaker:lot more about my dad. And it's interesting
Speaker:because that's the first time I Taught a father's
Speaker:heart course, and I kinda put that together. And you were
Speaker:one of 2 interns that took that course. So what was that like? You
Speaker:saw that on the schedule. What was happening on the inside when you
Speaker:saw a father's heart on the schedule? I wasn't looking forward
Speaker:to it, but at the same time, I was like, maybe this is what it's
Speaker:gonna take to finally connect with god as a father, because I did want that.
Speaker:But at that point, I was still initially accepting trauma
Speaker:and different things happening, and it was it was the internship. And
Speaker:conversations was, like, You and your wife or,
Speaker:some of the other staff members helping me to really
Speaker:realize that a lot of the things I experienced were normal, Even though they had
Speaker:been my everyday for years. You and one other specific staff
Speaker:member in the internship really helped me see
Speaker:that It was okay for adult men to speak into my life, and
Speaker:it actually was appropriate with boundaries. And
Speaker:really took the time to Not just
Speaker:leave conversations that I've had with the lord at
Speaker:really difficult points about my past or about my dad.
Speaker:Between you 2, you guys really helped me to process it and made
Speaker:space for me to grieve what was going on,
Speaker:And, like, really came alongside in interceding and praying with me.
Speaker:And so I think that was my favorite part of the internship. I was in
Speaker:a community where I felt Safe
Speaker:and could start letting my guard down and letting people in. I'd also
Speaker:been a youth leader at my church. And so you have 3
Speaker:kids. Yeah. And at the time, they
Speaker:were not connected to a youth group. And so I was, like, determined to,
Speaker:like, get to know them and let them have, like, an kind of young adult
Speaker:in their life that love Jesus and, like, could hang out with them. And I
Speaker:remember, like, you and I also talking about how to make that work, because you
Speaker:were like, yeah, that'd be great. Yeah. That was something we needed in our
Speaker:family. And I guess we'll get into this more in the next episode. But Mhmm.
Speaker:I just being in a prayer ministry, it's not your typical
Speaker:Sunday morning church. So there was there was no youth group. They
Speaker:were, in fact, some of the only youth in our community.
Speaker:So they didn't have that youth leader to look up to that Young
Speaker:adult, which many young people need. They need those mentors and those people to look
Speaker:up to you in their lives. So I was excited to have you come
Speaker:alongside them And just show them that there are young people that are
Speaker:going hard after Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. I think because it was your
Speaker:oldest son was the one that came The most, and so I think that's
Speaker:where it kinda started with the kids. It's like, I got to know him, and
Speaker:then the other 2 were like, okay. Yeah. You're cool. It's a
Speaker:little weird. We're still a little weird. Oh, always gonna be weird. But
Speaker:you're kinda weird too. So Yeah. It worked out. It worked out. It's it's
Speaker:funny now, like, looking back. Sometimes there's some mannerisms I have that, like, are very
Speaker:similar to your guys' family. We're getting into episode 3 already.
Speaker:Yeah. But it's Uh-huh. Sneak peek. Yeah. The
Speaker:internship, like, there was highs and there was many lows, of
Speaker:course, but I needed that time sitting with Jesus and
Speaker:learning how to do that. And then, I've always been really
Speaker:passionate about music As we had discussed last episode, but
Speaker:my dad is not musical, cannot sing to save his life. So
Speaker:I was really discouraged in as a kid in that area. I got to, like,
Speaker:be on a worship team for the 1st time, and I was being
Speaker:encouraged to actually, like, Take the time to learn to
Speaker:sing and that, like, I had a good voice and stuff, and that was coming
Speaker:from, like, you and, like, it was, again, like, 1 someone, like, pushing me
Speaker:and helping me. Because you play guitar and We were able to talk about guitar,
Speaker:and I would play with you at the 6:30 AM prayer meetings.
Speaker:And I think it was just that discipleship and that championship
Speaker:That really helped me to see that what I'd learned in
Speaker:my church before where it's like, avoid men at all
Speaker:costs. Because, Like, as a woman, like, you're gonna be to be blunt,
Speaker:like, you're gonna lead them to sin is pretty much what I had
Speaker:communicated. And here I was learning that There are healthy
Speaker:boundaries that can be put in place to still get that benefit of
Speaker:having that discipleship and that leadership in your life. And so That
Speaker:was really important for specifically, when we get into episode 3 because I
Speaker:was very resistant at first. And as a
Speaker:leader of an internship bringing in young people, I even recognize it
Speaker:more now how important some of those boundaries are in In bringing young
Speaker:people into your program, especially as a male leader, you wanna
Speaker:have those things in place so that you can feel safe. Because if you don't
Speaker:feel safe, you're not You're not gonna be able to get that internal change that
Speaker:we Mhmm. Are setting up the internship for. Like, we want you to
Speaker:encounter the Lord, and we want you to Counter, the father heart, and you
Speaker:can't do that if you don't feel safe. Yeah. And it's, like, even, like, in
Speaker:our conversations, just so the listeners know, when we did talk about my dad and
Speaker:stuff with you, It would only go to a certain depth before I'd either be
Speaker:talking to your wife or, like, I had another I had some woman in my
Speaker:life too from the prayer ministry that I went a lot deeper with.
Speaker:Like, it was more so we talk about verses and stuff. Like, what is a
Speaker:dad? That's more so what I would talk about with you.
Speaker:But the other woman in the in the primary ministry is when I would really
Speaker:open up about my heart, and how I'd been wounded and stuff, and
Speaker:Different things that you really only wanna talk to with women anyway.
Speaker:So Alright. So there, again, some highs and lows of the
Speaker:internship, but, Ultimately, you still wanted to stay in
Speaker:Winnipeg Mhmm. And you found a way to turn yourself into a
Speaker:Winnipegger. Mhmm. You stayed in the house that you're already staying in.
Speaker:Yep. So what was it like finishing the internship
Speaker:and then kind of, for the first time, really being
Speaker:on your own as an adult in Winnipeg. So I kinda
Speaker:feel like I I grew up really fast, so I kinda Skip
Speaker:that adolescent teenage years where you're like, I'm not gonna unload the dishwasher.
Speaker:No. Like, I learned how to take care of myself. The importance of needing to
Speaker:feed myself and stuff just because of the circumstances. And so
Speaker:that wasn't hard. What was hard was the
Speaker:job I ended up Getting was very high pressure and
Speaker:very difficult, and learning to live with roommates was
Speaker:very stressful because it was It was like a community house, and they
Speaker:wanted to get to know me. And I was like, okay. Well Do you think
Speaker:some of your past experiences, I put up some walls there for
Speaker:you wanting to develop strong relationships even with your
Speaker:roommates. Yeah. 100%. Because, like, I viewed myself as, like, wrong
Speaker:in the problem and being bad. That was, like, a core belief for me. So
Speaker:it's really hard to make And maintain relationships when you believe that about
Speaker:yourself. Because if you get into, like, a conflict or things like that, and then,
Speaker:like, when you're hypervigilant like I was, it's Not a good mix.
Speaker:And so I'm really thankful for my roommates because they did. There were
Speaker:times they corrected me and other times that we just all had fun and they
Speaker:really loved me during that process. Because, like, I
Speaker:did fall apart with my mental health after the internship, but I
Speaker:think it's just because I had been out of my Living situation
Speaker:before long enough that I didn't have to be all together, and
Speaker:so I just sort of fell apart all at once. And I think if I
Speaker:remember, it's Because you no longer have those requirements
Speaker:in front of you. I just remember you really struggling with everything,
Speaker:not having those routines. Yeah. I didn't have the routines. You had given us a
Speaker:book at the end of the internship called Bible 360, highly
Speaker:recommend. And so I decided, I think, I'd never read through the
Speaker:bible cover to cover. And so I did that, and I did get through the
Speaker:whole thing. So on the horizon On the horizon. Few months away,
Speaker:we had COVID coming. The world shut down,
Speaker:and I absolutely panicked. That was one
Speaker:thing my dad would always say to me, Specifically Wendi was drunk, he's
Speaker:like, the world will never stop spinning. Nothing will ever have everything just
Speaker:shut down. And then it happened, and I was like, woah. This is
Speaker:something I didn't want to not be a lie from dad. Yeah. I
Speaker:ended up becoming super I'm gonna be honest. Like, for most people, I think
Speaker:COVID was, there was hard stuff in COVID for me, but I got a 3
Speaker:month break from my job. And so I just spent
Speaker:time with god In the basement of where I
Speaker:was living with my best friend, who I was living with for 3
Speaker:months. So I really enjoyed The 1st wave and the
Speaker:1st cycle. After that, it got hard. And, I mean,
Speaker:the restrictions got worse, isolation to come,
Speaker:and that starts to take a big toll on your mental health. Can you tell
Speaker:me what that looked like during that time? Well, it
Speaker:looked like having to call the crisis line In Winnipeg, I'm really happy we
Speaker:have that. It wasn't because I was like, I wasn't active crisis. Did I
Speaker:tell them that? No. Because I did not wanna have to go to the psych
Speaker:ward I didn't have to explain to my roommates why, but it
Speaker:was just to ask, like, how do you get antidepressants, and
Speaker:get some therapy resources, and stuff like that. And That
Speaker:woman, her name was Anne Godsend. She was really kind, and she
Speaker:was on the phone with me for, like, 45 minutes. And it was the
Speaker:next day I went to a doctor, and it did not take a long in
Speaker:the conversation for them to be like, yeah. You should've been on these years ago.
Speaker:And just having to face that stigma too of being a Christian and
Speaker:needing antidepressants, but they helped me again connect with Jesus. And
Speaker:yeah. So I started going for walks with my husband
Speaker:during COVID. Wasn't your husband yet? He wasn't my husband
Speaker:yet, but we started going for walks, Yeah. The 1st
Speaker:summer. And then for the fall of 1st fall
Speaker:of COVID, we kinda, like, weren't talking as much, but it's also the restrictions
Speaker:got really Yeah. Really hardcore at that point. And
Speaker:then in the winter was when I don't know. Are we in
Speaker:the 3rd or the 4th wave at that point? I don't even remember. But they
Speaker:did allow, at some point, when they started allowing 1
Speaker:visitor at your house per week or something like that,
Speaker:Our children were struggling throughout COVID Mhmm. As many teenagers were
Speaker:and young people Yeah. Especially our daughter, that she couldn't
Speaker:connect with people anymore and their Wendi, and and I knew that you were
Speaker:you kinda went through a lot of the same things. So Yeah. So I reached
Speaker:out to you even to connect with her and say, hey. Yeah. She's going through
Speaker:a tough time. She probably needs someone to talk to that she
Speaker:can relate to Mhmm. That's gone through some of these things as well. Yeah.
Speaker:And I think I also You reached out to me, and then I I think
Speaker:at the same time also kinda offered because, like, I'd I'd heard through, like, Zoom
Speaker:prayer meetings that that wasn't going well. And I was like, hey. I get
Speaker:this. I understand this. This was
Speaker:me. I really didn't want her to have to navigate that by
Speaker:herself, because, like, you can't when you're a teenager. You need someone to
Speaker:be able to come alongside and have someone that isn't your parents to talk
Speaker:to. And so It took a while for her to open
Speaker:up to me. It's going back. I think they allowed 1 visitor per week,
Speaker:like they said. So So we decided you're
Speaker:a 1 visitor. You can come to dinner to our place
Speaker:and then hang out with Our daughter and our family. Mhmm. Play board games.
Speaker:So we just Play board games. Yeah. Yeah. I came over, like, every other week
Speaker:at first, and then this is, like, around the Same time that I was
Speaker:also really starting to get to know my husband more than just
Speaker:being a friend. And so it was just, again, sovereignty of God.
Speaker:I'm starting to Open up to my
Speaker:now husband, and I was starting my healing journey. I'm still
Speaker:in it. Like, didn't happen overnight of, like, anxiety and
Speaker:depression. Well, like, I'm coming into your guys' home. And because I was
Speaker:I've lived with it for so long, I was able to really Not so
Speaker:much speak into her at that point, but I think just
Speaker:exemplify someone who loved Jesus and
Speaker:was Also struggled with feeling anxious and stuff, and
Speaker:I think that really helped her in a way with just watching that, you
Speaker:know, laughing and having games, and, like, Just the intentionality I had
Speaker:with all 3 of them, just to make sure that they, you know, they had
Speaker:someone that they could laugh with. And I think at one point, like, It was
Speaker:like if I came over, it was like a completely different dynamic than it was
Speaker:if I wasn't there. So Wendi I started coming over, like, every week. So what
Speaker:was it like you coming into our house every week? Was that something you look
Speaker:forward to? And when you were here, what was it like? It was the highlight
Speaker:of of my week. I was actually quite surprised when you guys wanted me in
Speaker:your bubble. I was not expecting anybody to be like, do you wanna be in
Speaker:your bubble? And I was like, wow. I can leave the house.
Speaker:It was great. I got to know your wife and
Speaker:really open up and trust her and be able to talk to her about some
Speaker:stuff. And She also has had some experiences
Speaker:that she's been able to really pour into me, and be able to relate to
Speaker:me in certain areas. And then I loved hanging out with your
Speaker:kids. Like, they were, like, some of the funniest people I know.
Speaker:And, oh, man, when the 4 of us are playing a board game just ourselves,
Speaker:like, the roasts, and We will get vicious to each other because
Speaker:there's no pair right there to, like, be like, hey, okay, guys. Tone
Speaker:it down. But it was really fun just getting to Play board games. You
Speaker:guys also had a gecko at that point, and I got to hang out with
Speaker:the gecko. So, like, that was great. He's now my gecko.
Speaker:And you guys jokingly started using language. You're like a big
Speaker:sister. Yeah. And we were using that familial language
Speaker:already at that point. Yeah. You would house it for us and our dogs
Speaker:sometimes, and it felt like you were one of us. Mhmm. But it wasn't at
Speaker:that point where we officially started calling you Our daughter and part of our family,
Speaker:but Yeah. Like, the language is already starting to come there. Like, it was a
Speaker:natural, like, transition, I think. Yeah. And it is, like, I just I fit in
Speaker:really well with your guys' family and family dynamic. And when
Speaker:I did start dating my husband, you're like, well, bring him along. And
Speaker:so I think that was one of the really big things that impacted
Speaker:me the most is during that time just to backtrack a
Speaker:bit, now that I remember. This is an important thing, but My dad had come
Speaker:back into my life that summer. How did that happen? You
Speaker:know, the normal thing where it's like, oh, let's give this another shot. I'm gonna
Speaker:call my dad. But it went really well. And so he had been taking
Speaker:steps to take care of himself and was changing, and honestly
Speaker:was starting to sound like my dad When I was a kid, and so I
Speaker:really let my guard down and opened up to him. And at one point, he
Speaker:even apologized for not being a part of my life and that he wanted to
Speaker:continue to Get to know me and be a part of my life. And so
Speaker:he had plans to move to Winnipeg, not August.
Speaker:And With me starting I started dating
Speaker:my now husband. And at the same time, my
Speaker:dad Wendi into another decline. What did your dad
Speaker:think about you dating someone? He was not excited. There was some very, very
Speaker:mean things said. He did do a video call once
Speaker:to meet him, and then I asked him what he thought. And he's like, oh,
Speaker:he's nice and stuff. And Unlike any girl when you get into a
Speaker:relationship, like, you're like cloud 9. And so my dad just was really
Speaker:uncomfortable with that. And so I was excited and been like, yay.
Speaker:My dad's gonna be a part of something in my life that's gonna be life
Speaker:changing and really important. Because, like, I just I knew at that
Speaker:point that my husband and I, when we were dating, we would get married. Like,
Speaker:it's we just fit too well together. And so My
Speaker:dad just randomly stopped talking to me, and that
Speaker:hurt more than the 1st time he drove away. Because there was hope.
Speaker:Yeah. And so I didn't hear from him
Speaker:that he wasn't moving to Winnipeg, and I had to ask my mom after the
Speaker:time had passed. And that was a hard
Speaker:conversation to have. And so at that point, we were going to your house
Speaker:regularly. Disc golfing, having dinner, hanging out with The kids
Speaker:playing board games, having conversations about God and stuff like
Speaker:that. Like, I felt like my dad
Speaker:was going to be a part of this important phase in my life. But because
Speaker:you talked about moving to Winnipeg even. Right? Yeah. He did. And
Speaker:Then he wasn't. And at around that same time, like,
Speaker:it was the exact same time, just very I'm gonna say supernaturally.
Speaker:That transition was starting where I was becoming more
Speaker:family, more like your daughter. And so you and your wife were
Speaker:involved in the entire Relationship
Speaker:with my husband from us starting to date us,
Speaker:getting married and yeah. And I think it was in that at one
Speaker:point When was it? I think k. You finally got
Speaker:engaged. Yeah. We got engaged. And, at that point, your
Speaker:dad was already Had declined quite a bit. That was the last time I
Speaker:talked to my dad was actually on the day we got engaged. I texted
Speaker:him. I have never had someone call So
Speaker:fast after texting him, and I didn't hear from him after that.
Speaker:He was not happy that I was engaged. That was a tough moment for
Speaker:you, wasn't it? Mhmm. It's not how you imagined getting engaged.
Speaker:Yeah. No. Like, you don't want your dad to be like, oh, wow. This
Speaker:is shocking. And I'm like, Well,
Speaker:yeah. It was a hard conversation, but I was at the point,
Speaker:like, hanging out with your family, I think. I was getting the strength and the
Speaker:healing I needed to be able to To hang up and actually hang
Speaker:up, and finally be like, no, I'm closing the door. I can't do this anymore.
Speaker:I know when I heard about that conversation, my heart broke Mhmm.
Speaker:As well for you. Like, I don't know experientially,
Speaker:but I know that how important it is for A daughter to
Speaker:have a father Mhmm. And to have have that acceptance and
Speaker:that excitement over the daughter getting married and even on that
Speaker:wedding day. Mhmm. Being able to walk the daughter up the aisle. It's a
Speaker:privilege father to look forward to Yeah. And dread at the same time. But
Speaker:Well yeah. Yeah. But it's something daughters look forward to,
Speaker:especially is having their father walk up the aisle. Yeah. I
Speaker:with my dad coming back into my life, and then I remember going
Speaker:to my best friend at the time after 1 phone call, and I was
Speaker:like, I think my dad is actually gonna be able to walk me down the
Speaker:aisle. And When my dad didn't take the engagement well, it was
Speaker:just I I lost it again. I
Speaker:I'd been like, wow. Okay. It's like, what am I
Speaker:gonna do? Because I don't know. And I didn't
Speaker:I just really didn't want my mom to walk me down the aisle. Not because
Speaker:I don't love her, But because, like, the wedding was really hard for
Speaker:me. I was excited to get married. But
Speaker:when you've had so much loss and there's So many important people
Speaker:in your life that you grew up with from, like, a long time, and then
Speaker:they just all abandoned you. And then if you turn around
Speaker:And you look at your guest list, and there's a lot of
Speaker:people that you wanted to be there since you were a kid and they're not.
Speaker:And so the planning of the wedding was really stressful and really hard for me,
Speaker:because it wasn't just like it wasn't just managing, like, planning a wedding.
Speaker:It was managing Planning a wedding and
Speaker:grieving at the same time. I think after hearing about that conversation,
Speaker:I had already settled it in my heart that
Speaker:You're gonna have a father figure walk up the aisle with you, and I will
Speaker:step in if I needed to. I wasn't gonna say that right off the hop
Speaker:because it was so fresh Yeah. Obviously, but
Speaker:Just waiting for that right time. It was actually really funny how it
Speaker:happened. It was, like, in typical like, it's so you. I don't
Speaker:know. We were at, like, a worship night. I think you were eating a
Speaker:cracker and hummus, and you jokingly was like, oh, I can
Speaker:wipe it down the aisle, but, like and then, like, but just joking half
Speaker:joking. Of course. And then that's and I was like,
Speaker:actually, I'd be okay with that. And you're like and then it became a serious
Speaker:conversation. I think he was jokingly to test the waters because
Speaker:That is a very serious topic. It is a very serious topic. And so
Speaker:And, obviously, I I think I said at that point, okay, for Actually,
Speaker:considering this, like, obviously, I wanna talk to my daughter first to make sure
Speaker:she's okay with, you being the 1st daughter Mhmm. I walk up
Speaker:the aisle with so this is that conversation. Of course, she was
Speaker:excited about that too, because you became her big sister at that point.
Speaker:Yeah. And that was, like, I think one of the first times I'd heard her
Speaker:say it in a way that was just so natural. Mhmm. And
Speaker:so it was a really good moment, and I spent, like, a week thinking
Speaker:about it. I had to settle some stuff in my heart. Like, I knew I
Speaker:was gonna say yes. It was just I needed to Yeah. Think it through. And
Speaker:I think I was really happy because I told my wedding photographer, like, I really
Speaker:want a photo of being walked down the aisle. Like, that is super important to
Speaker:me. And she caught a really good one, and it's just really nice to have
Speaker:that because it's something that, like, I didn't think I'd ever have
Speaker:and was again in my grasp, and it felt like it wasn't there.
Speaker:And It was just like it was just so supernatural how I started to flow
Speaker:into your family and how, like, the lord just kinda fit me in there like
Speaker:a puzzle piece. At the same time that I had to
Speaker:accept that my dad wasn't gonna be in my life anymore, and I had to
Speaker:stop the cycle myself and make the call that I didn't want him to be
Speaker:in my life anymore, was the hardest decision I've made, but has also
Speaker:been the best decision I've made for myself since because I was able to
Speaker:finally heal. That father wound is actually finally being healed
Speaker:and being closed because I don't have him anymore inflicting fresh
Speaker:heart. It's still a process for sure. It's still a process. Like, I
Speaker:miss him. Like, there's certain times of the year that, like,
Speaker:they're great, but it's still, like, he missed that. And It's that challenge.
Speaker:Like, I grew up with him. It wasn't just like I was really little when
Speaker:it happened. And so and even if when you're little, it's hard. It's
Speaker:so complicated to, like, talk about, like, what it's like with fatherlessness if
Speaker:you haven't experienced it, but it really does feel like a piece of you is
Speaker:gone. And I'm sure we'll get into it the next episode, but, like, I never
Speaker:tried to replace your dad. Mhmm. And I never would try to do
Speaker:that, presume to do that. Those early memories, I think, are so
Speaker:important. The good memories that you've had of of your father. But just
Speaker:to have that father Figure that heart.
Speaker:That's what I wanted to give you. And we'll get into what it's like
Speaker:having Yeah. You in our family these days as an adult,
Speaker:adopted daughter. And I think that moment walking you down the aisle is kinda when
Speaker:we officially made it official Yep. Ryu became our
Speaker:daughter. Yeah. Where you became our kids' big sister. Yeah. We had 2 of
Speaker:them in the wedding party and Yeah. We had the oldest as our DJ.
Speaker:And so it was just like, the Lord really placed you in your
Speaker:family the time that I needed it the most. And, you
Speaker:know, for someone that was praying to have, like, There was times I just was
Speaker:begging God for my dad. And I was like, or can you, like, give me
Speaker:a father figure? Like, something. Like, I can't do this. And
Speaker:It was, like, 8 years of prayer before I started to even see that fruit.
Speaker:That is why I would tell my 18 year old self that it's gonna be
Speaker:okay and not to change a thing because Of the
Speaker:supernatural ways that things happen and when they happened and how they
Speaker:happened. And it's like everything that happened before, it needed to happen,
Speaker:and I wouldn't change a thing. So it's the lonely families.
Speaker:I think we're gonna wrap it up there because, next episode, we're gonna talk
Speaker:about Navigating the dynamics of having
Speaker:an adult an adopted daughter join a family. What
Speaker:it's like for you, what it's like for us, Some of the challenges
Speaker:and some of the amazing things about it. Mhmm. And just what a
Speaker:blessing it is. So until next week. Yeah.
Speaker:Thank you for joining another conversation on Journey with Care, where
Speaker:we inspire curious Canadians on their path the faith and
Speaker:living life with purpose in community. Journey with Care is an
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