Choosing Kin | Part 3: Embracing New Family Dynamics with Danika
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Description
Johan concludes his candid conversation with his adopted adult daughter, Danika. They reflect on her transition into their family, navigating her marriage, and the complexities of her relationship with her biological father. Danika speaks on finding her place within the family dynamic and navigating new traditions. They delve into the significance of spiritual adoption and the importance of embracing a sense of belonging and support within the church community. The episode concludes with heartfelt reflections and hopes for the future and the ongoing growth and experiences shared within their family dynamic.
Timestamps
[00:00] Wedding Day and Isle Walks
[05:28] Navigating first year of marriage with support.
[08:08] Grateful for support and love on wedding day.
[10:24] Excited for firsts, forming new holiday traditions.
[15:00] Learning to have casual, meaningful conversations.
[19:15] Father-daughter relationship shapes understanding of God.
[25:20] Addressing family dynamics and showing respect through inclusion.
[32:15] Encouraging exploration of disconnected family relationships
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Transcript
What does loving your neighbor actually look like? This
Speaker:is journey with care, where curious Canadians get inspired to
Speaker:love others well through real life stories and honest
Speaker:conversations.
Speaker:All right, we are back for our third episode in this
Speaker:series with my adopted daughter, Danica. The first
Speaker:episode, we talked a little bit about your story growing up, what it was
Speaker:like living with your dad, who suffers with PTSD,
Speaker:how that's affected you as a child, also just your school and
Speaker:home situation and how you transitioned into Bible college. And
Speaker:then for that second episode, we talked about from Bible
Speaker:college to the internship into joining our
Speaker:family. And that's where we kind of ended off, where I got to walk you
Speaker:down the aisle at your wedding, and you have.
Speaker:Unofficially, I'm an undocumented daughter. Yeah,
Speaker:that's it. So now we're going to go into that a little
Speaker:bit. What it's like navigating being an adult,
Speaker:adopted into a family, both from my perspective and
Speaker:from your perspective. Yeah. First off, some of our listeners might be
Speaker:asking, well, what do your parents think about
Speaker:you being adopted into a family? Well, my
Speaker:dad's the easy answer. He doesn't know. And it
Speaker:happened. And because it was so natural, I kind
Speaker:of neglected to let my mom fully know about
Speaker:it until, like a month before the wedding.
Speaker:And she took it well. It was
Speaker:tricky, but she just wanted to know you guys
Speaker:and get to know a little bit more about how it happened. And so she
Speaker:and I have had several conversations about it, and she's really thankful
Speaker:for it because she's walked me through it, and
Speaker:she's seen the pain. She's watched it, and so she's really grateful
Speaker:and very thankful that I have this and that God's
Speaker:answered that prayer for me, because it's just like she's been there the nights that
Speaker:I've just absolutely been wrecked and was really grateful,
Speaker:especially because I had this when my dad did what he did, because
Speaker:it's allowing me to heal. And so after we had
Speaker:a conversation and explained it, it's good. And right before the wedding, I
Speaker:think we sat down with your mom for maybe a lunch or something
Speaker:because she's like, I want to know who's walking my daughter down the aisle.
Speaker:That was interesting. Yeah. My mom, she
Speaker:also has people that are like family to her, too, so she really gets that
Speaker:understanding and has said, sometimes family's blood and sometimes
Speaker:family's just who you pick and who the Lord gives to you. So
Speaker:my sister is like, cool. Have they noticed any difference in you
Speaker:since you've gotten married? Yes. They're both really
Speaker:thankful for Jaden. I mean, it's helped. And they've
Speaker:just noticed more confidence and more. I know who I am,
Speaker:and I'm not ashamed of it anymore. And that they've just noticed
Speaker:an increase in just that. I'm happy. We live a province away
Speaker:now. It's like, it's not just because I'm sad and don't want to talk, but
Speaker:it's actually just because I'm just doing things that take up my time.
Speaker:And it's been really good, and they're really excited for me.
Speaker:Okay, so how long have you been married now? How long has it been? We
Speaker:got married July 30, 2022. So a
Speaker:year and like a half, I think. So you're still technically
Speaker:newlyweds, I would say. Technically, we're newlyweds, yeah. We're coming up on our
Speaker:second year this July. Again. You felt like
Speaker:family before then? Part of our household. I got to walk you down the aisle
Speaker:at your wedding. Well, I think on the topic of being walked down
Speaker:the aisle, because we didn't really talk about that in
Speaker:depth. What was it like on your guys'end after
Speaker:that, having that being solidified for you and your
Speaker:wife? Yeah, that's something that we still navigate. I mean, my
Speaker:wife has taken a long time, and she's getting way better at this.
Speaker:And I am, too. Like, when people ask us about our lives, about our
Speaker:jobs, how many kids do you have? The answer for
Speaker:the last. Well, I guess 13 years has always been, oh, we have
Speaker:three kids, but now we're just getting used to. And I think it's
Speaker:becoming way more common for us to say, yeah, we have four kids. And
Speaker:then they ask what their ages are. And that's always interesting because
Speaker:when we get to, our eldest is 24 years old.
Speaker:Yeah. And they're like, but how old are you?
Speaker:It's complicated. Right. That's always the answer. It's
Speaker:always the answer. But we are proud to say we have four
Speaker:kids, and we are proud to have you as part of our
Speaker:journey and our story. It's brought excitement to our lives.
Speaker:Even the fact that you're going into social work, it's another
Speaker:child that we can be proud of for what she's accomplishing. And, of
Speaker:course, having our children and our daughter, especially
Speaker:having a big sister, it's been a huge blessing.
Speaker:We talk about how he brings the lonely into families, but he
Speaker:also brings the lonely for the family, I believe.
Speaker:And that's what has been you coming into our family. It was
Speaker:a huge blessing for us. And not just for you. It's not a one sided
Speaker:thing, because he knows what we needed. He knows what our daughter needed, and he
Speaker:knows what you needed. Yeah. It's wild to think going through
Speaker:it when we first met to now, it's just like, I wouldn't have.
Speaker:Even if someone told me that was going to happen, I'd be like, no.
Speaker:And now we're here. And so it's been good. And I think
Speaker:it was really helpful being a newlywed and having a male figure
Speaker:in my life and having that father figure, because it's like, I can talk to
Speaker:you as, like, parents and be like, is this normal in marriage or having help
Speaker:navigating that first year? Because no matter how stubborn you want
Speaker:to be, the first year is going to be hard. And honestly, I couldn't
Speaker:imagine trying to go through the first year without you guys. It felt like I
Speaker:had a safe place in a house. So if things were going great,
Speaker:we all celebrated. If things weren't, we were able to give you a call and
Speaker:be there. And coming over to do laundry all the time is fun. Just
Speaker:do laundry and we just all hang out. And then when it's done, we're like,
Speaker:hey, bye. Yeah, I mean, you guys come over every week, which is always a
Speaker:nice treat for us, too. I'm going to take us back to your
Speaker:wedding day. So I walked you up the aisle. I honestly felt
Speaker:very proud of you and Jayden because we love Jaden
Speaker:and I've known his family since I was younger, so I've
Speaker:seen Jaden growing up, which is kind of cool to see our adopted daughter
Speaker:marrying this kid that I grew up. And we're great friends with their family. We
Speaker:love them very much. They very much feel like our family as well. I
Speaker:was excited even for, as a husband, going into the family,
Speaker:there's always that desire that they have in laws as well that they can connect
Speaker:with. And that's something that he would have been lacking, I think,
Speaker:if we wouldn't have stepped in. Not to say we're the saviors or
Speaker:the answer to all the prayers and everything that he hoped for,
Speaker:but we're excited for Jayden to have that. Yeah, I was really excited
Speaker:about that, too. I'm glad you brought that up because it's know someone. Much has
Speaker:happened since we got married that it's easy to forget all the good stuff that's
Speaker:come out of it. And it's really good that he gets to have that, because
Speaker:I know early on when we're talking and stuff, I'm like, you know, if we
Speaker:do get married, you're not going to have in laws on my side. You don't
Speaker:get to experience that. And then sometimes it feels like
Speaker:the Lord's, like, chokes on you. And it was a good joke. I just
Speaker:wonder what he would have been like with me saying that. He's
Speaker:like. And we're like, I don't know, a few months away
Speaker:from that happening. And so it's just been really good to see that
Speaker:and see, because he is really close with you guys, too, and it's fun to
Speaker:see him bonding with you guys. We might talk about last episode
Speaker:a bit, but what was that like for you to have me walk you down
Speaker:the aisle? It helped a lot with the grief. I don't
Speaker:know what it would have been like because I don't
Speaker:love being the center of attention and everyone looking. At me, and that's
Speaker:what a wedding generally is. I took a lot of stress
Speaker:off, honestly, because it's like I wasn't the only one being looked at, which is
Speaker:nice. It's hard to explain because it was just like one of those moments, because
Speaker:you're walking me down the aisle and I'm like, this is fantastic. And then I'm
Speaker:getting married, and it's like this big day full of emotions. But I remember,
Speaker:I really think, looking back on the wedding, I'm really happy that happened because it
Speaker:doesn't feel like I had that gap. And it
Speaker:really helped because then I could see you guys sitting at a table together, and
Speaker:I knew that my dad was there, and so it really helped fill that
Speaker:void. Not only did I feel really loved by you guys, I really felt loved
Speaker:by God and super thankful and also just I needed it. And
Speaker:I think it made the wedding day overall more enjoyable for me
Speaker:because it was one less gap on
Speaker:my side that was open and
Speaker:noticeable. And it was really nice to have that because I feel like that was
Speaker:the most important gap for me to have filled. Do you recall anything that
Speaker:I said to you at the wedding? Because I honestly don't remember if I said
Speaker:anything to you. You did. I do remember that because you're like,
Speaker:all right, you ready? And I was like, yes. And before we
Speaker:left the room where. I was hiding the room, we
Speaker:were outside. It was very hot. We got engaged on
Speaker:the coldest day of the year and got married on the hottest day of the
Speaker:year. 40 degrees outside or something. Yeah, 40 degrees
Speaker:below when we got engaged. Welcome to Winnipeg. Yeah, welcome to
Speaker:Winnipeg. True Winnipeg or no, you did say,
Speaker:like, I'm not here to replace your dad, and I know I never would
Speaker:replace him for you. And you were just. I really hope that
Speaker:you said something like, the simple act
Speaker:would be a blessing to me. And so it was something along those lines. So
Speaker:you did say something to me. Oh, good job. Pat on my back. Sounds good
Speaker:to me. Pat on your back. Yeah. So, like we said, you guys are
Speaker:over every week doing laundry, just part of the family, eating lots of
Speaker:meals together, doing Christmas together. I know that first Christmas.
Speaker:Let's talk about that first Christmas, maybe. I know that
Speaker:Christmas is hard for you, and it is with a lot of kids that grew
Speaker:up with family difficulties. So we invited you into our Christmas
Speaker:gathering. Obviously, we didn't really need to invite you. It was kind of a given.
Speaker:Although I think that first you needed to be invited. The first year
Speaker:was. I think that is one of the challenges, too, is the firsts
Speaker:is like, oh, first Easter, we need to invite you. But then
Speaker:the second one, it's fine. But I was really excited because
Speaker:I don't know why I didn't expect it, but I didn't.
Speaker:And it was fun. The first Christmas we were
Speaker:here till like, 02:00 a.m. It was last year. Us girls all like
Speaker:matching pajamas, and you guys gifted us our
Speaker:first Christmas ornament for our tree is like a married couple. And it was just
Speaker:really cool just getting to come alongside into your guys'traditions. And build some
Speaker:new traditions because you guys have joined the family, right? Like, even our
Speaker:breakfast dish that we started, everybody loves it. Yeah, we have
Speaker:that skillet meal. And then I think it's kind of becoming a
Speaker:tradition that we just end up watching some sort of funny movie altogether. It's
Speaker:just this year we were a lot more responsible with what time we started it.
Speaker:Yes, it was great that first Christmas. I think it was really fun
Speaker:getting to say up that lake. So I think it's just like we were all
Speaker:just enjoying it so much. And I remember, oh, man, the kids were
Speaker:just all five of us as kids. We were just
Speaker:amped all day. We were acting like we were not the
Speaker:ages we were, but it was really good. And we have a lot of
Speaker:really good memories from that first Christmas. And of course, this one, too.
Speaker:It helps even just being invited into it. I just
Speaker:want to say for people out there, even if you don't feel like you're being
Speaker:directed to adopt an adult, even just having someone
Speaker:being like a close family friend invite them to family events and
Speaker:things, it might be weird at first, but people won't come up and
Speaker:say to you, like, I don't have anyone, can I come to your Christmas?
Speaker:That's not common. And so just encourage that. If you know
Speaker:people that you think or they have told you that holidays are hard,
Speaker:include them. Everyone needs it. And for me,
Speaker:I am very thankful that I have that added level that it is
Speaker:family. And so we get to build those new traditions and
Speaker:incorporate your guys'traditions. And it's really good
Speaker:now, along with any family dynamics, not everything is beautiful
Speaker:and rosy all the time. No. We look forward to having you guys over
Speaker:every week as kids. Like anything. Like sometimes
Speaker:having people over, it's sometimes uncomfortable because it disrupts.
Speaker:Sometimes just chilling. Some nights where, okay,
Speaker:they need to sit and have conversations. Yeah, but that's
Speaker:just part of life. That is part of life. No, but it's any family.
Speaker:It's challenging. There's going to be nights as parents that you're going to be like,
Speaker:you want to chill. I would say in the last six months, that challenge
Speaker:just started reducing. Now we just sometimes just come over and we just do our
Speaker:own thing. Yeah. It feels like there were some expectations in the first
Speaker:little while to really set those family dynamics. Okay,
Speaker:Jaden and Danica are coming over. We need to make sure we set time
Speaker:aside to have conversations. And that's good. Yeah, you got to
Speaker:have that. But it feels like it's starting to become natural. Now
Speaker:that you are just family, you can walk through the door
Speaker:and just hang out and be who you are. Yeah. It's
Speaker:also challenging for us sometimes, like coming every Monday I have a bipret
Speaker:complacent Mondays, or sometimes we'll come on a Tuesday evening and it's just like,
Speaker:I'm tired. And sometimes our youngest son is really
Speaker:loud. Oh, yeah. Sometimes
Speaker:I love it about him. And then on some days I'm just
Speaker:like, I would say just any normal family dynamic. It's
Speaker:just the biggest challenge is having that feeling
Speaker:of it being someone that's not your family member coming over. It takes a while
Speaker:for that to go away, even for us to feel like you guys weren't hosting
Speaker:us. It took me a while to just go into your fridge and grab food
Speaker:without asking first. And now I come over and I. Just grab food,
Speaker:which is fun to see that development. Right? It
Speaker:feels awkward at first. It's all new. You're bringing an
Speaker:adult, adopting an adult into your family. You're new coming
Speaker:into someone else's household who were a couple of years ago
Speaker:just acquaintances, and all of a sudden, you're part of a family.
Speaker:It's such a strange dynamic, transitioning. Yeah, it is. It's not just
Speaker:like, oh, we're family. As much as we said, it felt really natural, like the
Speaker:Lord putting it together. It still means that there's bumps.
Speaker:I don't know. Have we had a family conflict yet? I would just
Speaker:say just our personal issues that all come up. We discuss them, then walk
Speaker:through them as a family should. But I don't think we've had.
Speaker:No, we haven't had any drama, which is very strange for
Speaker:me with my side of the family. Conflict was
Speaker:definitely there. And so I think that's been a really big strange
Speaker:challenge for me. At first I'm like, did I talk too much? Or like,
Speaker:oh, did they have the energy for that conversation? It's taken me
Speaker:a long time to not overthink how I did coming
Speaker:over, but now it's like, I just come over and we'll just talk
Speaker:about, I think, the other night. I'm just able to casually tell you on Chris's
Speaker:day. I'm like, oh, yeah, I miss my dad right now. And you're like, well,
Speaker:yeah, understandable. And then we just moved on. But it's like, yeah, that was,
Speaker:like, a big challenge for me, learning what family is again, also,
Speaker:like, finding where my place is in the dynamic. Yeah. Because
Speaker:there are some differences, too. I'm not going to
Speaker:have the same hugs as I
Speaker:would. Right? Yeah, there's still boundaries, especially you coming in
Speaker:as an adult. Yeah. And also, I'm not the biggest hugger anyways.
Speaker:But, no, we have that boundary. And then I think it was a little challenging
Speaker:at first between me and the oldest, because now I'm the oldest, but they've been
Speaker:the oldest. So that's a fun dynamic because it's like
Speaker:if we're playing a board game or doing something at the table,
Speaker:we will both do something like, no, you can't do that right now. We just
Speaker:sit there and it's like, but he can't boss me around because I am older
Speaker:than him and I will not let him. He needs that humbling, though. I humble
Speaker:him. I humble him. But it's been really good. I think the biggest challenge is
Speaker:just having that relaxed feeling coming.
Speaker:I don't know if that's a word I think would be good to explain it.
Speaker:I don't know about you, where it feels like you're not just safe
Speaker:as an individual, but you're safe coming into a house
Speaker:feeling like you're part of the house. Well, I actually feel
Speaker:like a kid again. And maybe sometimes as an adult,
Speaker:maybe I should be like, oh, should I ask if we can have a deep
Speaker:conversation right now? But I feel more welcome just to sit down and be like,
Speaker:hey, can I talk to you about this? And then you guys being there,
Speaker:how do you guys feel about that with managing, having an adult
Speaker:with trauma and having some of harder emotional
Speaker:conversations with me? I think when we use the word
Speaker:adoption, we know we're not bringing in a stranger into the house
Speaker:anymore. So with adoption comes all those hard
Speaker:conversations, and we need to be open to that. And
Speaker:we are happy to hear those conversations, because when you open
Speaker:up, it means that we are trusted and we are your
Speaker:family, and we can contribute to that part of you
Speaker:which we didn't have with you growing up. That's true. Right.
Speaker:So we're obviously happy to have those conversations, the difficult
Speaker:ones. There are still those dynamics where I
Speaker:could take my daughter Caitlin out to a movie and a
Speaker:coffee, but that would be awkward for me to do that with you. Oh, yeah,
Speaker:no, we don't do that. We don't do that. That's, like a really
Speaker:firm. And I think that would be a
Speaker:question that I wouldn't be surprised if listeners would want to ask. It's like
Speaker:there are gaps in it. Yeah, you've stepped into my life in this
Speaker:role, but there's gaps that you would. Don't take this
Speaker:personally. You are never going to be able to fulfill. There are certain things
Speaker:that in not having my earthly dad in my life that I don't get
Speaker:to have. I'm glad this came up because recently
Speaker:I finally feel like some of the father wounds have healed enough that I've
Speaker:been able to start talking to God about it. Because you weren't able to
Speaker:relate to him as a father for the long time. No,
Speaker:I wouldn't even say I relate to him as a father now. I think I'm
Speaker:just starting. It's like I'm scratching the surface. But
Speaker:I had a really good healing encounter with him about a month
Speaker:ago, and I felt like he asked me, what is the
Speaker:biggest thing you missed about your dad? And I was like, I don't want to
Speaker:talk about this. And then I did. I
Speaker:felt like God showed me a picture of sitting in that
Speaker:garage. I wasn't a kid. And instead of it being my dad, he was there.
Speaker:And in it, I feel like I finally realized the
Speaker:thing that I miss the most about my dad is
Speaker:because I felt like a weirdo. And I misfit and misunderstood most of my life
Speaker:as a kid. He never made me feel that way.
Speaker:And he always really championed me in that and
Speaker:helped me not to change myself, to fit in. And
Speaker:I realized it was that delight I missed and it was that
Speaker:delight that I get from you guys. In this sense, you're like, I'm proud of
Speaker:you. Look at you guys go. But it's not the same. Not to sound
Speaker:mean, but it'll never be the same with the emotional boundaries. It
Speaker:shouldn't be because that's a big emotion
Speaker:between a father and a daughter. And then in
Speaker:that, I was able to finally realize that that
Speaker:delight that my dad used to have is what the Lord has with me.
Speaker:And I wouldn't have been able to do that if I hadn't had
Speaker:someone in my life that I can have the things that is
Speaker:appropriate in this dynamic, in this relationship, within
Speaker:the boundaries, to be able to explore the
Speaker:pieces that you're not able to with the Lord and to go to him for
Speaker:that. And I think that's been really vital and important. When there's
Speaker:a challenge where it's like, I don't think this is something that I can go
Speaker:to him about, or is like, I'll go talk to your wife about it,
Speaker:or I'll go talk to the Lord about it. But I'm just starting to
Speaker:see that I'm more open to even starting
Speaker:to talk about God being my father. And so it's been
Speaker:very interesting in the last couple of months having that and just the change it's
Speaker:had for me in my relationship and my walk with him. You said
Speaker:there are obviously things that I would never be able to fulfill
Speaker:as an adoptive dad. So let's go there a little bit.
Speaker:This poses a scenario. What if your dad, all of a sudden his mind
Speaker:shifts and his heart shifts, he becomes a Christian
Speaker:and he steps back into your life, he seeks you out,
Speaker:wants reconciliation. What would that scenario be like for you?
Speaker:At first and where I'm at now, I would
Speaker:reconcile with him to the point that he's forgiven and
Speaker:knows that I'm excited for him. And it's really
Speaker:cool to see God working in his life that way. But
Speaker:I wouldn't want to reconcile with him as a father, and I don't think I'd
Speaker:be able to. He missed so much of my
Speaker:life and he's missed so many important things
Speaker:that we can't redo, we can't recreate it.
Speaker:And for the listeners, it's going to sound really blunt, but
Speaker:I don't really want him back in my life now. I really enjoy being a
Speaker:part of this family and this dynamic, and from
Speaker:what I know of him, I don't think he'd be okay with it.
Speaker:And if he's not going to be okay with it, then it's like, no, thanks.
Speaker:I'm married now, and it's like, one day we'll have kids. I have to think
Speaker:about them as well. And just at this point, I'd be
Speaker:really happy for him, and I think I'd be open to
Speaker:being friends. I wouldn't necessarily not be like, never
Speaker:talk to me again. But I don't think that father daughter
Speaker:relationship right now, I don't really want it because I've
Speaker:gone so long without it. And I've grieved
Speaker:him. I've gone through living grief. He's still alive, but I've grieved
Speaker:him as if he's not. And so it would be
Speaker:really difficult even just to go and have a cup of coffee. And
Speaker:I don't know if I'd want to even talk to him about the ways he
Speaker:has hurt me. So for where I'm at right now and just like,
Speaker:having you guys, I'm like, I don't need it. And of course I want
Speaker:him to become a Christian. I want to see him healed. And I also
Speaker:know for myself I might never be ready to have him again in
Speaker:my life that way. And I think something I'm starting to reconcile
Speaker:with me is like, that's okay. I can still want him to be a Christian
Speaker:and to be healed, but also accept the fact that he's
Speaker:not really my dad in that relationship
Speaker:sense. So that's currently where I'm at with it.
Speaker:And I feel like that would just be my response in the beginning is like,
Speaker:you're not my dad, and I need to get to know you and you
Speaker:need to get to know me. And so I think it would be more of
Speaker:a friendship dynamic that would come out. I don't even know because I don't know
Speaker:him without any PTSD. Like, if he was completely healed, he'd be a
Speaker:complete stranger to me. It would be weird. So, yeah, that's where
Speaker:I'm at with it currently. I mean, I'm sure a lot of our
Speaker:listeners all have a bunch of different thoughts on what you just
Speaker:said, and that's fine. They're not in your situation.
Speaker:No. And we have some of the tough, difficult
Speaker:conversations on this podcast, and not everything is always rosy,
Speaker:even the way we think, right? But like you said, you hope
Speaker:for restoration. You hope he finds Christ, because that's
Speaker:where he's going to find ultimate fulfillment. That's
Speaker:where he's going to find healing. But, I mean, scripture talks about leaving and
Speaker:cleaving from your parents, and you have a spouse now, too, right?
Speaker:Your life has shifted and changed. So the dynamics are just.
Speaker:It's complicated. And, yeah, I'm sure there will be listeners that
Speaker:they're like, oh, maybe you could have a father relationship. I'm like,
Speaker:I'd just be fine being friends with him, honestly, just to talk to him
Speaker:every once in a while. But I've got the Lord and I have your guys'family,
Speaker:and I think that just really shows how
Speaker:life changing and how vital it was to be able to be
Speaker:adopted into a family in this way. And just to see the Lord walk that
Speaker:out where it's like, no, I would rather
Speaker:continue to pour into my siblings now and you guys as my
Speaker:parents. And if my dad can't accept that, then I think my answer would be
Speaker:different. But that's where I'm at with it currently, and everyone's
Speaker:different, and I don't know what the Lord's going to do with
Speaker:him. He might become a Christian and get radically saved and then just
Speaker:decide to not contact me out of love,
Speaker:just to not put me through that difficult situation and
Speaker:those difficult conversations. I'm going to shift the conversation
Speaker:a little bit here because we're still early on in this journey.
Speaker:You've officially been adopted for about a year and a half.
Speaker:Undocumented. Yeah, undocumented. We know you still have
Speaker:relationship with your mom and your sister,
Speaker:and, like, as adopted parents, we
Speaker:know you have someone else that you still call mom and another person you
Speaker:call sister. And we want to honor that. Have you found it
Speaker:difficult to be able to honor them in being adopted into another
Speaker:family? That's a really good question. The wedding has some
Speaker:dynamics that were tricky, and there's grace.
Speaker:But I think a way to show
Speaker:honor because it's early on. My mom hasn't been out to visit in Winnipeg
Speaker:since the wedding and an event that will be coming up that she
Speaker:probably will be here at the same time as when I do convocate with my
Speaker:degree. And I think it's part of that honoring is like having her over for
Speaker:a meal and letting her continue to get to know you guys and know that
Speaker:she's not necessarily a part of the family, but that she's not
Speaker:allowed to come and know you guys and that she can come in
Speaker:and still be my mom when I introduce her to
Speaker:mom. That'll be fun. Like, mom, meet mom.
Speaker:I'm sure you probably have trouble saying that, though. That's been a new thing that
Speaker:I've started referring to you guys as mom and dad. That's been a very recent
Speaker:thing, and it is hard. Well, especially seeing how
Speaker:you're one of my interns and I was always Johan. Yeah. I still
Speaker:mostly call you guys by your first names, but it's still early
Speaker:on. It's still early on, and I think it's more so where I refer to
Speaker:you guys as mom and dad is, like, with other people. And so
Speaker:the only time it gets really complicated is people that have known me before. They're
Speaker:like, what? I'm like, I thought your dad was like this. I'm like, okay,
Speaker:I need to get a good name for my tip for the other dad. But,
Speaker:yeah, no, I think part of honoring it is just like, if they're in Winnipeg
Speaker:or something, letting them know that they can come and connect with you guys, too,
Speaker:and get to see that dynamic and see that they're not being replaced. And my
Speaker:sister's like. She's like, cool. She's really great, and she's, like
Speaker:another person I really deeply admire. And I'm really proud of where she is
Speaker:and what she's done and just her journey through it, too. And so it
Speaker:was really nice when I first talked to her about it. She was like, no,
Speaker:I'm happy for you. And so just knowing that her and I just have
Speaker:this bond where we know that we're going to be sisters, and
Speaker:we also know that we are on two completely different directions in life and that
Speaker:we love each other, and that's enough. And so, yeah, I think that's just the
Speaker:biggest thing in honoring it, is just letting my family know that they're included and
Speaker:that they get to come and even just get to know you guys as friends
Speaker:and not feel that replacement thing. Yeah.
Speaker:Okay, let's have a theoretical question here. What do you
Speaker:see our dynamic looking like ten years from
Speaker:now? What I see
Speaker:is I've actually talked about this with a friend. In ten
Speaker:years, I'm for sure going to have at least one kid.
Speaker:Honestly, I'm not that old. But
Speaker:the idea of having grandkids earlier than expected.
Speaker:Right? Earlier than expected is kind of exciting. Yeah.
Speaker:No, it will be. You're not pregnant? No. As of this
Speaker:recording, can you imagine the announcement on the
Speaker:podcast today?
Speaker:Not pregnant? No. I think in ten years,
Speaker:what I see is my mom being like the grandmother, get to
Speaker:go and visit in Saskatchewan and have that really good memories of getting to
Speaker:be in the house that they're in and my mom
Speaker:being someone that they can talk to on video call and
Speaker:be like the person that I think my mom would be the best person to
Speaker:explain about my dad and in a really child
Speaker:friendly way, and I would trust her to do that. And I just honestly see
Speaker:it that my kids are going to have three sets
Speaker:of grandparents, basically. And I'm really excited for that because
Speaker:I thought my kids would only have the one set and then they would
Speaker:feel that gap and that lack, and instead they just get to feel more
Speaker:richness and more fullness. And so I really see it being like, not necessarily that
Speaker:my mom would be a part of the family, but I do eventually see her
Speaker:being friends with you guys and having a dynamic that there might be
Speaker:challenges and probably conflicts on that side, but I could really see from
Speaker:what I see now with the hearts and stuff, especially when kids get involved,
Speaker:I just really see it being very rich and very full
Speaker:and no gaps. It's going to be good, and it's going to be a really
Speaker:good testimony. And something that my kids get to inherit
Speaker:is that they're going to have three grandmas. And I
Speaker:think that's just going to be so cool to have three really awesome women in
Speaker:their lives that they can look up to. It'll be great for Jaden and I,
Speaker:too. We're going to have a lot of support. So if we need to go
Speaker:and have some time just to connect by ourselves, someone will
Speaker:take the kids. And so I'm really excited to watch that. I
Speaker:think that's what I'm most excited for in ten years, because my mom does desire
Speaker:friendship with you guys and knowing you and I know she did feel, like, accepted
Speaker:by you guys and included. And so I'm just really excited to see
Speaker:what God's going to do with that. And there is a generational
Speaker:blessing that starts with you being adopted in. Right,
Speaker:is those kids don't have to grow up not having the
Speaker:grandparents ten years from now,
Speaker:they will have grandparents from the day that they're born. I think it'll also
Speaker:be really cool because in ten years, I'm sure one of the sibs will be
Speaker:married. Maybe two, possibly all three, possibly,
Speaker:possibly. And who knows? We might even have cousins at
Speaker:that point or be close to having cousins. I'll just be really, just
Speaker:be beautiful and really rich and really just show God's goodness, honestly,
Speaker:because the only reason you can explain it is that this is something
Speaker:that God has done and it is good and it's for his glory.
Speaker:And like I said in the first episode, that's what got me through the hard
Speaker:stuff. It's just, I just need to love God and he's going to figure it
Speaker:out and it's going to glorify him. And in ten years, I think it's really
Speaker:going to be that. I know for me, when I
Speaker:think ten years from now, I got a big smile on my face, on
Speaker:the inside. When I think about ten years, I don't know, I think about the
Speaker:Bible verse, psalm 127. Sons are a
Speaker:heritage from the Lord and children a reward from him.
Speaker:So, I mean, your daughter, but eventually,
Speaker:probably there's some grandkids, maybe some grandsons in there, but I
Speaker:just feel like you are part of the reward the Lord has
Speaker:given to me. And ten years from now, I get to see more
Speaker:fruit of that and walking through more experiences with
Speaker:you, you and Jaden feeling more and more comfortable to call us
Speaker:mom and dad and Corey and I feeling more
Speaker:confident when we say we have four kids just going through
Speaker:those trials and those awesome times where we
Speaker:are just comfortable with that. We're just excited for the years to come
Speaker:and what the Lord is going to do through you guys as we get to
Speaker:see more fruit and see what the Lord works
Speaker:in a whole other couple that we can call children. And that's
Speaker:just a blessing to us. And it's kind of cool to have a son
Speaker:in law that's an engineer, too, so that's kind of neat. That is neat. Yeah.
Speaker:He is an engineer. We are polar opposites, but we work
Speaker:together so well just to end it off here, because I think you and I
Speaker:could talk about the family dynamic for hours, probably these last two
Speaker:episodes. What do we want to leave with out of this? I think the biggest
Speaker:thing, the whole purpose behind this podcast wasn't just for us to go down
Speaker:memory lane and get to talk about this, which was nice, but
Speaker:being able to highlight care impact, part of it's like talking
Speaker:about the heart issues, but also highlighting individuals that are hidden within the
Speaker:church. And I think, in my opinion,
Speaker:that there are many people who either have
Speaker:disconnected relationships with their parents or even
Speaker:grandparents, honestly, and are missing that. I
Speaker:just really want people to know that it's okay
Speaker:to explore that, especially when God's leading, because you
Speaker:can set the appropriate boundaries that work for you. And it's just a
Speaker:way, like you said, to bring more richness, not just to the lives of those
Speaker:that are being adopted and those that are coming in, but also
Speaker:to those who are doing the adopting. And so I just really would want to
Speaker:encourage listeners that it is scary and it's challenging, especially
Speaker:in the beginning. But it's worth it. But it's so worth it. And it was
Speaker:so life changing for me. And so not like, don't go ask
Speaker:people. Be like, do you have a dad or not? But
Speaker:I really want to put the spotlight on people who are fatherless or motherless
Speaker:or even those who just have lost grandparents, even
Speaker:if they were great. But you're just missing that gap and you really want to
Speaker:have that again. Don't be afraid to ask the Lord for it, and don't
Speaker:be afraid of the Lord moves you into a place that you get to do
Speaker:that for someone else. And I just think it's a beautiful thing to explore
Speaker:spiritual adoption and that stuff because the Bible talks about it
Speaker:and Romans would just pick up abandoned babies off the street.
Speaker:There you go, new kid. And so it's rich and it's
Speaker:full and it's scary, but I'm pretty sure that's a really good
Speaker:definition of God's sovereignty. It's rich and it's full and it's terrifying,
Speaker:but everything works out for his glory and for his goodness. And so let
Speaker:him put a spotlight on people that might have been told that this is
Speaker:inappropriate once they turn into an adult. But the good thing about adult children
Speaker:is talking about boundaries and stuff is a lot easier and it's good.
Speaker:I'm just going to end it there because that's a good bike drop.
Speaker:Thank you for joining another conversation on journey with care,
Speaker:where we inspire curious Canadians on their path of faith
Speaker:and living life with purpose in community. Journey with Care is an
Speaker:initiative of care impact, a canadian charity dedicated to
Speaker:connecting and equipping the whole church to journey well in community.
Speaker:You can visit their website at Careimpact CA or visit
Speaker:Journeywithcare CA to get more information on weekly episodes,
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Speaker:journey in a good way and always remember to stay.
