Episode 4

The Wait Worth It | Part 1: Kathy's Path to International Adoption

Published on: 2nd February, 2024

Find us at https://journeywithcare.ca/

Description

In this episode of "Journey With Care," host Johan Heinrichs meets with Kathy Boschmann to explore her journey of choosing adoption. Kathy shares her experiences dealing with infertility and the challenges she and her husband faced in this regard. The conversation delves into their decision to pursue adoption, from considering fostering to local adoption and ultimately embarking on an international adoption journey. Their path leads them to Sammy, a child from Ethiopia, and the episode concludes with Kathy emphasizing the significance of a supportive community and spiritual foundation in the adoption process. Join us in the next episode as Kathy shares the heartwarming story of meeting Sami for the first time.

Timestamps

(00:10) Acceptance of adoption after years of infertility.

(04:14) Struggling with unrealized dreams and finding comfort.

(08:09) Considering fostering; ultimately chose local adoption agency.

(10:01) Applying for adoption involves sharing family history.

(13:12) Family member's understanding.

(16:13) Walking, talking, and praying for support.

(20:28) Challenges in adoption process and family dynamics.

(25:03) Eric's medical background helped in immigration process.

Other Links

Join the Sojourner's Discussion Group: https://www.careimpact.ca/group/journey-with-care-podcast/discussion

CareImpact: careimpact.ca

About the CarePortal: careimpact.ca/careportal

DONATE! Help connect and equip more churches across Canada to effectively journey well in community with children and families: careimpact.ca/donate

Email: podcast@careimpact.ca

Editing and production by Johan Heinrichs: arkpodcasts.ca

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Transcript
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What does loving your neighbor actually look like? This

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is journey with care, where curious Canadians get inspired to

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love others well through real life stories and honest

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conversations.

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Hey, before starting this episode, I just wanted to give a special thank you to

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Marlin and Deb Peters for your generosity in helping keep the

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podcast going. If anyone else would like to help support the podcast, you can head

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over to Journeywithcare, CA, or just check the show notes in your podcast

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player. All right. Welcome to Journey with care. If

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you're wondering why you're not hearing Wendy on here, you

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will be in a few weeks, just for the start of the season. I've taken

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over a little bit. We just wrapped up three episodes where I was

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on with our adopted daughter, Danica. If you haven't listened to that

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episode, I encourage you to go back and listen to that one. It

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kind of leads into our next two episodes,

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which we will be interviewing our own Kathy Boschman. She's

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part of our care impact team. We are going to be delving into her

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story of adopting her and her husband's child

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internationally. Welcome to the podcast, Kathy. Thanks, Johan. It's

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so good to be here with you. Now, Kathy's been on the podcast before.

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I think maybe once or twice. Twice. Twice,

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yes. I've had the privilege. You're such a lovely guest, so it's always

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good to have you back on, and I know you have more stories to share.

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You have even stories about some of the work you've done with

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care portal. We'll find a way to get those out of you at some

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point. Maybe not in these interviews, but we really want to hear your story

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about adopting your son. I don't actually

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know much of the story. I've just heard bits and pieces in conversations with

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you, and I've met your son Sammy, and it'd be great to hear the

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story. Well, in this first episode, we'll focus on how you and your

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husband came to deciding to adopt and what that process

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was like and some of the supports and challenges along the

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way. And then maybe we'll talk about when you finally got to adopt

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and bring him home and actually go out there to get him and

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bring him back. I really want to hear that part of the story as well.

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So this first episode, I really want to focus on how you guys made

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that decision. So, Kathy, how far back would you

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say has adoption been something that has

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even come to mind for an option for you in the future?

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I think I didn't know a lot of adopted people, like

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when I was growing up or anything. But the idea of adoption never

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was a challenge for me. I know from growing up

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in the church community, there's folks I had adopted

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and were my friends. I don't think there was ever an

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opposition, but I never expected that would be part of our journey. I think

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what led us to that point, there's a lot of

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years in there. Eric and I were married. I

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guess we'd be called young now in our early twenty s, and I had

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always expected that we'd follow what I would

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consider the normal path and get married a couple of years later, have some

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kids. And that didn't happen for us. We actually dealt with

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infertility for over a decade. So

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that very difficult time led us to the place where we had

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to consider adoption because of medical reasons. That was our

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path that we were going to take. If you're willing

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to go there. Do you want to talk about what that season of infertility was

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like for that decade for you and your husband? Yeah,

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sure. It was obviously different for both of us. I was very

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eager to have family, children already, and Eric had his

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own place that he was at, but it was

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difficult. I still remember going into that,

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telling my, actually, two girlfriends that I worked with that

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they were both adopted, actually, and saying to them,

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wow, today marks 100 cycles that

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we haven't gotten pregnant. And that realization was,

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like, so disheartening that it's kind of hit

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this real significant marker. And I think what was the hardest

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was adoption. Wasn't. We weren't talking about adoption at that point.

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So it seemed like this was sort of where my story

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of longing to be a parent was

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kind of ending with unrealized dreams about becoming

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a parent. So it was very hard, depression. It was a very

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dark time. But even in the midst of that pain,

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I felt like my connection with

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God just was deepened somehow. Even

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though the temptation would be like to ask, where are you? And there

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were times where I was asking why? But in the midst of

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that, realizing that deep pain that I had within

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me, that his presence was there, he was in me,

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and it was a reminder of his presence in my life. And that kind of

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broke things open for me. And just being able to release this

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situation, these unmet dreams to him and

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longing for family, which I knew is something that he'd given

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me and part of who we are as humans, wanting

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to have offspring and raise family's very normal

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biological desire. But it was also a very

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emotional one for me. Now, I would imagine a lot of

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people that have similar experiences have gone through some

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challenges, even in their communities, where they're probably hearing questions

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like, when are you having kids? And why haven't you had kids

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yet? Those sorts of questions. So this podcast is about

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how we can love and care for our community and our neighbors better.

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I believe there are things that we can not do to also care for

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them better, and that is like asking those types of questions.

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Maybe tell us a little bit about what your experience was when you heard

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those sorts of things. What did that do to your heart,

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and how did that affect you guys emotionally? Yeah, for

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sure. Insensitive people just saying, what's wrong?

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Why aren't you kids? There were some very challenging times for

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me. I got to the point where I couldn't go to showers, baby showers

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anymore. Even for people who had also dealt with

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infertility and were excited that they were pregnant, it was just

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so difficult. Mother's Day, very difficult.

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One Mother's Day that was particularly helpful

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was when they were honoring all the mothers and grandmothers

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and that they invited anyone who was longing to be a mother

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but hadn't yet been able to conceive or become a

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mother, to invited them also to come receive a

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rose or whatever it was. I remember telling people in

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my community and others dealing with infertility about that.

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They're just floored. They were like, what church do you go to? I want to

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come. That had been just so meaningful, and I think for

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people to understand when you can't go to those kind of

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events because it's too painful, just the

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acknowledgment, I think that is a very helpful thing for people

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going through that kind of pain. And not just first time

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infertility. A lot of women, families, couples struggle with

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secondary infertility. Like, they can have one child, but for some whatever

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reason, they don't conceive again or can't conceive again. And equally,

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I'm sure that's equally as painful and can be

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acknowledged, and that's. A beautiful picture of how a church is

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caring for those that are struggling with infertility. And just

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the way you're speaking. That reminds me of our last interview of season

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two with Rebecca on singleness, on how the church

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celebrates a lot of the things that couples have in marriage,

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showers and all those sorts of things. And as single individuals,

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they don't get that as well. So how can we care for these ones that

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can't necessarily have those same experiences as a lot of

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people would say are normal, right? Okay.

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So coming back to our original question, when did you make that decision

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that you wanted to adopt? What was that conversation like? How did that

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come? It was. It was interesting. I think there

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was a lot of things at play. Eric's

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brother and wife were also dealing with infertility at the same

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time for other reasons than our own,

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and they started that process. And so I

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think them working through that really

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helped us emotionally consider that

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we did look at fostering as an option to,

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while we waited to have our own, as the

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saying goes, we looked into that and actually did

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the training or orientation and kind of realized, no, we

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really want to be parents. We love children, but

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being a parent is what we wanted. And I so honor

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anybody that has chosen to foster because it's an

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incredible. I just am amazed at people who open their homes

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and hearts to be able to move in that sphere. After we went

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to the orientation and honestly checked it out, we just felt like, no, we want

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to parent children. We looked at local adoption,

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and there is one agency adoption

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options, and we went through all their orientation and home

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studies and whatnot, and for whatever reason,

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we were not chosen by birth parents to become

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parent to their children. We had our name looked

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at, I think, seven times in two years that we had our name with

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them. And even before we had signed up, I said to Eric, I said,

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two years. I don't think I can go beyond two years. If

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that isn't working, I would like to go

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for an international. Do you have a little bit of information on how that process

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actually works with that adoption agency? I was just curious about how that worked.

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You were chosen. So what was their selection process?

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In the process of applying and doing

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home studies and whatnot, you also put a little photo album and a

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write up about yourself and your family and things you enjoy.

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You value some of your family history. Then

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when birth parents, typically mom, but sometimes there's

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father involved, will come in, they've decided to place their child for

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adoption. They will be shown, I think

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it's several of these different

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albums, photo albums, we'll call them, and then they can look

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at those and they can choose a family within that

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or consider placing their child with. So

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really, that's all there is to sort of say, hey,

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choose me. I would love to parent your child. The beauty

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of the adoption options is that you can make it as open or closed

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as both couples or both birth and

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adoptive families are comfortable with. And so there can be

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relationship between the child and the birth family,

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which is a beautiful thing for the child, just to be able to

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know where they came from. And be loved

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by both families. Okay, so you guys are on the waiting list for two

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years, you said, and then you decide, you know what? Maybe

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we need to look internationally. So that comes

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up in conversation. Where do you start? Does that feel

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overwhelming when you make that decision? I think I'd been in it for

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so long, and even just making the decision to adopt,

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even to put our name forward locally, I think that's where the big

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crux was to make that final decision. I

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mentioned Eric's brother and sister in law. They did an

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international adoption, and so that

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really solidified it for

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Eric, for sure. When they sent us

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photos of our niece and nephew for the first time,

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when we got those, Eric, just like, he was in love

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with them. What country were they from? Kazakhstan. They're

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from in

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realizing, wow, these are my brother's

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kids, and I love them. Whether they're born of his body

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or come to them through adoption, he realized, wow, love

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doesn't have a barrier. And so I

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think in that realization, it's like, okay, I'm ready. Let's

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go. Let's do this. It really confirmed for us

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that that was a good way to grow our family. And

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there was some trepidation with family members.

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There were some that weren't sure about

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adopting from Africa in particular. I think

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some people maybe had to work through some underlying

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racism or having grown up in a culture

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that having biracial family

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was not as acceptable in that

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generation or as was completely uncommon, I

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think, in the generation. Do you feel like you needed to have those

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conversations with them to convince them or what was

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that like? Yeah. Eric and I each had a family member

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that had a challenge with it, and I remember speaking with in

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my family, it was my father, and

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he honestly just wanted to understand. I'm not sure if it was so much racism

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as what's the difference between adoption and

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slavery? And just trying to

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understand, I think honestly understand

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the motivation for us. Right. And so

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just being able to say to him, we

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were at the cottage at the time and

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helping him to understand my deep desire to have

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children and saying to him,

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dad, if you didn't have kids, you'd be sitting here alone

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all by yourself at the cottage.

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And from that moment on, he never asked me again.

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He never questioned it. He understood.

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You felt some support from him from that point.

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Yeah, I did. I mean, he loved,

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like, there was no doubt about

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know, just seeing him connect with Sammy

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as best as he could. He knew how and

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real a bond between know. Neither of

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them were really big talkers. But I knew that

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there was that connection with them over

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a few different things. I think that was a really important conversation to have,

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just to settle it in his mind that

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adoption isn't about owning somebody,

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it's about being in relationship with somebody

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and that it's a mutual thing.

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Not wanting to be heroes wasn't about us

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marching in, oh, we're going to save this person's life.

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This child's life never entered our mind. It was

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very selfish reasons that we adopted. We wanted

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to be parents, and this was a way, and we knew that there was a

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child out there who wanted to be part of a family.

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So it was totally mutual and remains

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mutual. The joy, the

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love that we experience together as a family is

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irreplaceable. For those of you that have listened

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to my episodes of Danica, we are saying the same thing. We

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didn't feel like the heroes bringing in this adult

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that needed to have that father heart in her

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life. She brought value when she came into her home

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just as much as we brought value to her. It was a

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mutual gift from the lord, and

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that's really what it is. So, other than your

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brother in law, what about those family members and community that

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surrounded you and encouraged you along the way? What kind

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of things would they say to you and how did they encourage

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you in this process? I had

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met a woman through our adoption

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agency, and she and I walked

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thousands of kilometers together weekly. We'd be out

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two, three times a week, walking and talking. And

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that was sanity for me.

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Having somebody who, one understood the challenges

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of infertility and adoption and the weight

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and all the effort that

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it really takes to adopt internationally.

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So that whole mental health piece was huge, having that

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person. We had dozens of people praying for

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us. I remember when we hit the ten year mark of dealing

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with infertility, doing a family photo, just Eric and I,

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and sending that out to our church community,

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whom we knew was praying for us and wanting to

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help us meet to become parents. It's always a

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tough thing to know. Like, people don't want to ask you all the time

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you're pregnant because there's so much disappointment. But you

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also do appreciate the times when people are just

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willing to say, hey, we're thinking about you

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walking through this difficulty. And we had very

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supportive small group. I remember times when I couldn't go to small

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group. It was just too difficult. And one in particular where

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one of the leaders, she came over, like when I called and said, I just

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can't come, she says, I'll be right over and walked and

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came over to be with me in our own little small group while the rest

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carried on with their time together. So

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how important would you say are those support systems around you, like, having a

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small group and a spiritual community just to help you

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guys through that process? Would you be adopting if you didn't have that? How much

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harder would have that? Oh, I can't

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imagine not having had that kind of support and

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people alongside family members. Like I said, eric's

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brother and his wife, having been through it themselves and having

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had their example of how they processed it and

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seeing how their life had changed and how challenging it was to be able

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to prepare us mentally, emotionally, spiritually for the

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changes that we were experiencing and what was

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coming. And that was huge. So

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community connection with other people, having gone

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through it, just really important, and I can't

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imagine having done it without them. What are some of those first steps that you

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had to take when going through this international adoption

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process? For our local adoption process, we

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had already done a home study, but thankfully they allowed us to

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use some of that for our second home study. We

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had to update it, obviously, but home study can be

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very scary. Going into it, you hear a lot. Of the

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negative stuff. Yeah, like, oh, quick, we got to fix the house

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before. But it's not about the house.

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It's about your family, it's about your relationship,

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and it's a lot of talking, it's

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a lot of working through things together as a couple.

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How are you going to parent? How were you parented? How are you going

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to parent? How do you resolve conflict in your marriage

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and so many different aspects that you

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have to think about. I have said to. Well, I've said

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to many people, if everybody had to go through that process

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before they get pregnant, there would be a whole lot less

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kids in the world because it is daunting.

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I'm sorry for any of you out there who are thinking about adopting, but

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it's just a lot. It's daunting in the sense that

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having to dig up through all to think through those

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things that you aren't forced to think through just in regular, day to

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day relating with your spouse, maybe it's like going through

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therapy. So it's good in that way, right? Make sure

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you are on the same page for how you're going to move forward. So would

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you say that process was helpful or was it a

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little too complicated? I think it was helpful

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in the sense that you do get to be on the same

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page and understanding, wow, we have different

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approaches or, oh, we are more on the same pages than we thought we

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were. Especially when things as, you know, as a parent,

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that things get kind of rough. And it's just like, well, how are we

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going to handle this? And having had those conversations

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earlier is super beneficial, for sure. So that is just

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one aspect, but the other one is the mountain of paperwork

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is challenging. I mean, like I said, it's

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been years ago already that we did the initial paperwork,

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but it feels like you're constantly

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submitting forms and writing things and

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updating things as you're the. I think when we

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started till Sammy came home was at least four

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years. Like, started with local adoption. Right. And then it

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was maybe four and a half years in the midst of

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our adoption. Something very unusual happened was

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that we actually had a child placed with us before

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Sammy. And the only second time

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in the history of our adoption agency, the birth mother changed her

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mind, which was so hard. It was like a death.

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I have never had a miscarriage, but I'm guessing it was probably

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very close to what family would

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parents would experience with the loss of an unborn child.

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It was so hard. And I remember where I was when

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I got the phone call. The beautiful part

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of that whole pain was

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that evening. I remember our house group leaders at the time, and one

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of our pastors and his wife, who are friends of ours, came over and just

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sat with us. And just like, as we all just kind of shook our

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heads, like, what happened? We

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thought we were at the end of our weight. And

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then to have that child taken from us as well

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was so hard. So did that

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bump in the road, did that kind of make you guys

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rethink the whole process? No, we

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were. No, we

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didn't let that deter us from our

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desire. And seeing that dream come true. And within

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three months, they had found another Sammy for us

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to come. And I just look back and say, yeah,

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beautiful for that child that they got to grow up

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with their birth mom, birth family. Like I should be celebrating. While

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I was grieving this loss, I

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only more recently realizing, wow, what a wonderful

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thing for that little person that they got to grow up

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in their hometown with their family

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throughout their life till now. And we would not

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have Sammy. Like, he wouldn't have joined our family. And we really

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believe that he was, can we say,

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destined to be our son. God knew who we needed,

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and he knew who Sammy needed, and he brought us

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together. How did that come about in determining

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which child would be brought into your home? With the

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international adoption, there is no

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choice. As far as from in the program we were

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in, they basically send

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you a profile and say, hey, how about this one? When you

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apply on there, you say, what age of child

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you would like to adopt. You say, what your

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physical limitations that you'd be open to,

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whether it was heart issues or lung issues.

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It really feels weird filling out this form saying, yeah, I'm okay

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if there's epilepsy, and no, I'm not okay if there's diabetes.

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I'm okay for there's this. And not that. It just

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feels very wrong when you're. Doing it, especially as

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a believer, right where you see everybody has intrinsic

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value that the Lord has placed in them. I don't

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know how I would even navigate that. That must have been difficult for you

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guys. Yeah, it was. And they really coached you

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through it when you're going for the adoption. Well, our agency

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did, too. And just saying, really trying to help us. Don't

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feel bad. Just write what possibilities you are

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open to. And for some, they might not be willing to deal

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with any physical limitations. Eric being a nurse, we were very

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open to it. With his medical background, we weren't

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intimidated by that possibility. So maybe we're a little bit more open than

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other people. I don't know. But, yeah, that

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was one piece. And then immigration is another part of the

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process. So once you get connected with a child, place with

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a child, then more waiting happens. So

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we knew about Sammy. We said yes to him,

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the profile he gave us, and then that sort of sets

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off another process. He needs to go to a

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doctor. He needs. Gets approved by the canadian

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government to be able to come live here, that his medical needs aren't

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so big that they wouldn't be willing to take care of

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him. Canadians are not allowed to adopt children with

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AIDS or HIV who are HIV positive or

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weren't at that time. How old was Sammy when his name came

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into your hands? He must have been three and a half months

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old. And where was he living at the time? Our

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adoption agency had a children's home in

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Adisaba in Ethiopia, and so it was run

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by staff whom we had hired. And there is

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a power of attorney. The director becomes a power of

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attorney for the families that are adopting. And they

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have a nurse on, like, 24 hours. There's

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a nurse or nurses, I'm not sure, in the home. And they had a doctor

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who would always come in just for those kids. So it

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was run as if it was a Canadian.

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Well, as canadian as it could be. The expectations that

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Canadians would have on taking care of children. So they did

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a really good job with the children. Now, next

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episode we're going to get into. When you actually get to meet him,

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we'll get into that story. Two more things. First of all,

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you guys get all your paperwork in. The decision has been

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made. What's the feeling like with those that have been supporting

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you and surrounding you in prayer this whole time?

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I'm sure they were relieved as much as we were

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excited. Yeah. It would have been a community

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celebration to know that the paperwork had

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all been done and we'd been received our referral for

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Sammy and that we'd said yes. Just as

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excited as they were. The first time was probably even greater excitement.

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The second time with some trepidation on all our parts that this would

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actually happen because it was a good ten months before we actually

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went to Ethiopia on the whole immigration process

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taking place during that time. All right, and we'll end with

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this. If you got to go back to

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that time when you guys decided to adopt, what piece of advice

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do you wish someone would have given you or even words of encouragement that you

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would have liked to hear at that time? I think what comes to my

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mind is that it will be worth the wait. As

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hard as this is, it will be worth the wait.

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That's beautiful. All right, so next week we're going to get

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into when you actually get to meet Sammy, that little bit of adventure

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that you got to go on. I know when I first met you, we talked

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about Ethiopia because I did some study on Ethiopia

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and some of the cultural aspects and the Ark of the Covenant, things like

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that that I was really into. I'm still into that stuff, but

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we're not going to get into that next week. But we'll talk about your adventure,

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going and meeting Sammy. Awesome. So until next week,

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thank you for joining another conversation on journey with care,

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where we inspire curious Canadians on their path of faith

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and living life with purpose in community. Journey with Care is an

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initiative of Care Impact, a canadian charity dedicated to

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connecting and equipping the whole church to journey well in community.

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You can visit their website at Careimpact, CA or visit

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Journeywithcare CA to get more information on weekly episodes,

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journey with prayer, and details about our upcoming events and

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meetups. You can also leave us a message, share your thoughts,

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and connect with like minded individuals who are on their own journeys of

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faith and purpose. Thank you for sharing this podcast and helping

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these stories reach the community. Together we can explore ways to

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journey in a good way and always remember to stay

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curious. You.

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About the Podcast

Journey With Care
Equipping the Communities and the Church to Love Neighbours Well
The conversations that inspire curious Canadians on their journey of faith and living life on purpose in community. Join us every Friday as we get real, honest voices from across Canada, hearing their stories and exploring ways we can all journey together in a good way. If you want to care for others in your community and need some first-hand insight and biblical perspective, this show is for you.
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