Messy Advice... | Does My Invisible Effort Count?
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Description
Today’s question: “I care deeply about others, but sometimes I feel bitter or resentful when I help. I don’t want to stop caring, but how do I keep going without feeling used or invisible?”
Your messy adviser, Johan, dives right into this all-too-relatable conundrum of invisible labour and emotional weightlifting for those who always find themselves signing up to bring snacks—and end up planning the whole event. With a good dose of humour and biblical honesty, this Summer Speedos conversation pulls back the curtain on caregiver burnout, punch-cards for serving too often, and the quiet ache of feeling unnoticed even while carrying the load for everyone else. Whether you’re coordinating volunteers or just trying to keep a group chat alive, tune in for encouragement and the reminder that your care doesn’t go unseen, even if you occasionally whisper "you’re welcome" to a thankless room of empty chairs.
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Transcript
This one's for anyone who's ever made a casserole with love and then found
Speaker:out the group text kept going without them. Let's be
Speaker:honest, sometimes caring feels more like carrying
Speaker:everyone else's needs, emergencies, and expectations,
Speaker:stacked silently on your back while you smile and say, happy to
Speaker:help, and over time, all that quiet effort starts to feel
Speaker:less like love and more like emotional weightlifting. You
Speaker:sign up to bring snacks, just snacks, and three
Speaker:weeks later, you're coordinating volunteers, sending reminder
Speaker:emails, and learning what a gluten free, nut free, dairy light muffin
Speaker:is, all because you made eye contact at the wrong time.
Speaker:This is messy advice for people who care, for anyone who keeps showing up
Speaker:with love while secretly wondering if invisible labor counts for
Speaker:heavenly rewards. This is Johan on the
Speaker:edge of helpful, here to talk about care, calling, and
Speaker:why emotional labor should at least come with loyalty points.
Speaker:Today's question gets honest about something many of us feel but
Speaker:don't always name. Let's get right into it.
Speaker:I care deeply about others, but sometimes I feel
Speaker:bitter or resentful when I help. I don't wanna stop
Speaker:caring, but how do I keep going without feeling used or
Speaker:invisible? Hey. If you've ever loved
Speaker:with everything you've got and still walked away frustrated,
Speaker:you're not alone. According to a 2023 Angus
Speaker:Reid study, sixty three percent of Canadian caregivers
Speaker:reported feeling unseen in their roles, especially those
Speaker:providing emotional or informal support to others. And this
Speaker:isn't just about people doing ministry endeavors, the ones handing out the
Speaker:volunteer t shirts that all end up looking the same and, therefore, unseen
Speaker:or invisible. It's the quiet caregivers, the unofficial
Speaker:chaplains of casseroles, check ins, the emotional
Speaker:triage, showing up with fanfare and slowly fading
Speaker:into the background, the ones who sign up first, clean
Speaker:up last, and somehow always end up holding the group chat
Speaker:together with duct tape and emojis. We're not burned out because we
Speaker:don't care. We're burned out because we do. Caring
Speaker:doesn't automatically make you a saint, and feeling resentment
Speaker:doesn't make you selfish. It makes you human
Speaker:with limits, with expectations, and probably
Speaker:a half used punch card for serving too often.
Speaker:Caring without resentment isn't about pretending. It's about
Speaker:pacing, and most of us have been sprinting on empty for a while.
Speaker:Sometimes serving joyfully feels less like ministry and
Speaker:more like emotional DoorDash, delivering comfort and connection while your
Speaker:own tank is on empty. You show up early to set up
Speaker:chairs. You stay late to clean up, drop off meals,
Speaker:say yes to one more thing. And when no one thanks you
Speaker:or worse, when people just assume you'll do it again, you smile
Speaker:politely, go home, and start sauteing onions because at
Speaker:least they'll give you a reason for the tears you're already holding
Speaker:back. But what does the scripture have to say about this? Let's
Speaker:get biblical. Biblical. Let's
Speaker:look at Luke 15. In the parable of the prodigal son,
Speaker:we often focus on the one who left home. But tucked in at
Speaker:the end of the story is another character, one a lot of us
Speaker:quietly relate to, the older brother that didn't
Speaker:leave. He didn't waste the money. He stayed. He
Speaker:worked hard. He carried the load when his brother left.
Speaker:And when his runaway sibling returns and gets the royal treatment, a robe,
Speaker:a ring, a fattened calf, a big party,
Speaker:you can feel his jaw tighten from across the field. He
Speaker:hears the music. He smells the barbecue, and he stays
Speaker:outside. And when his father comes out to invite him in,
Speaker:the older brother lets it all spill out. I've been
Speaker:slaving for all these years. I've never disobeyed, and not
Speaker:once did he throw a party for me. That's not bitterness out of
Speaker:nowhere. That's years of effort unnoticed.
Speaker:That's someone who kept saying yes quietly, reliably,
Speaker:and is now wondering why it doesn't feel like it mattered. And here's
Speaker:what's beautiful. The father doesn't scold him. He
Speaker:doesn't say, you should be more like your brother. He
Speaker:says, you are always with me, and everything I have
Speaker:is yours. It's not just a correction. It's a
Speaker:reminder. You belong. You've always belonged,
Speaker:not because of what you've done, but because you're mine.
Speaker:Maybe the older brother isn't the warning we've made him out to be.
Speaker:Maybe he's the honest one, finally voicing what caregivers and
Speaker:behind the scenes people have felt for years. And maybe part of
Speaker:healing from resentment is not pretending you're okay, but
Speaker:remembering you were never unnoticed by the father who sees it all.
Speaker:Your value isn't based on how much you give. You are allowed
Speaker:to rest. You are allowed to feel. To not always be the one
Speaker:holding it all together. Love isn't about running yourself into the
Speaker:ground. It's about showing up fully, not flawlessly.
Speaker:So if you've been carrying on fumes, this might be your
Speaker:sign. Step back. Take a breath.
Speaker:You are not a resource. You are a person, and you matter too.
Speaker:And just know that your father sees you in what you do in the
Speaker:secret. And, hey, this is an opportunity for you to see the others that
Speaker:might go unnoticed around you, to recognize them and the work that they're
Speaker:doing. And if you wanna join the conversation, go find us on our
Speaker:Care Impact podcast group on Facebook. Join a group of
Speaker:like minded people and get into the conversation. We'd love to hear your
Speaker:stories, especially the parts that don't look picture perfect.
Speaker:Until next time, keep loving, keep laughing, and if you've
Speaker:ever whispered, you're welcome to a roomful of ungrateful chairs,
Speaker:solidarity, and maybe take a week off from setting up the
Speaker:chairs, And always remember to stay curious.
