Messy Advice... | Helper or Project Manager?
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Description
Today’s question: “I want to help, but sometimes I wonder if I’m actually trying to take control. How do I know if I’m truly supporting someone or just making it about me?”
On this quick-and-punchy Summer Speedos edition of Journey With Care, your messy adviser, Johan, wades into the blurry waters where compassion turns into subtle micromanaging. With a dash of wit and a generous serving of honesty, the conversation explores how our well-meaning efforts to lighten someone’s load can sometimes accidentally become a full-scale project takeover. Drawing on a familiar biblical tale, relatable stories, and Johan’s signature charm, listeners are invited to reflect on the difference between genuinely supporting others and colour-coding their healing process. Settle in for a candid, good-natured look at navigating care, boundaries, and that fine line between being helpful and being the bossy friend in a cardigan—perfect for your summer stroll or lazy day in the sun.
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Transcript
This one's for anyone who's ever offered help, then immediately started
Speaker:rearranging someone's kitchen just to make it more functional. You
Speaker:weren't trying to judge their spice rack, but now you're holding it.
Speaker:Let's be honest, Helping sounds noble, but
Speaker:sometimes it's just low key micromanaging in a cardigan.
Speaker:If we're honest, the line between compassion and control gets
Speaker:blurry fast. Someone says they're having a hard time time and you offer
Speaker:to help. Great, noble, loving,
Speaker:but somehow, let me know what you need turns into
Speaker:prescheduled check ins, unsolicited resources, and
Speaker:mild anxiety when they don't follow through. You didn't mean to become
Speaker:their personal project manager, and yet here you are color
Speaker:coding their healing journey like it's a work retreat. This
Speaker:is messy advice for people who care, for those who try to lighten someone's
Speaker:load and accidentally take over the entire moving truck.
Speaker:Hey. This is Johan on the edge of helpful here to talk
Speaker:about care, boundaries, and why it's okay that other people do things
Speaker:differently even if those things are wildly inefficient and
Speaker:spiritually questionable. Today's question gets into the
Speaker:heart of something a lot of us helpers struggle with. Let's get
Speaker:right into it. I want to help, but sometimes I
Speaker:wonder if I'm actually trying to take control. How do I know
Speaker:if I'm truly supporting someone or just making it
Speaker:about me? If you've ever confused
Speaker:being helpful with being in charge, you are very
Speaker:much not alone. According to a 2023
Speaker:Abacus data survey, one in two Canadians say they feel
Speaker:pressure to fix situations rather than to simply offer
Speaker:support, especially among caregivers and faith based volunteers.
Speaker:Apparently, we're a nation of well intentioned problem solvers
Speaker:who sometimes forget that compassion doesn't always require a clipboard.
Speaker:We're not trying to run anyone's life. We just want them to
Speaker:know that we have printed resources available. Helping
Speaker:can start as care and quietly drift into control.
Speaker:That line is thin. The heart is good. The
Speaker:result, debatable, and that's what we need to
Speaker:check. Helping someone doesn't mean becoming their life manager.
Speaker:And as much as I love Google documents and Google Sheets, you
Speaker:don't need to build one every time someone says, I'm struggling,
Speaker:unless they ask, then spreadsheet away. Here's
Speaker:a scenario. A friend shares that they're having a rough
Speaker:week. You say, anything I can do?
Speaker:They hesitate. So you suggest five things.
Speaker:You follow-up two days later with, did you try that podcast I
Speaker:sent? Unless, of course, it's this one, then it probably would be helpful.
Speaker:But suddenly, the vibe shifts from support to subtle
Speaker:pressure. You wanted to help, but now it feels like you're
Speaker:managing their outcome. Let's take a look at what
Speaker:scripture has to say. Let's get biblical.
Speaker:Biblical. The famous story in Luke 10,
Speaker:Mary and Martha. Jesus shows up at Mary and Martha's house,
Speaker:and immediately, that familiar dynamic kicks in.
Speaker:Mary drops everything, sits at Jesus's feet, and Martha
Speaker:kicks into hosting mode. She's chopping, tidying,
Speaker:reheating something that probably didn't need reheating. Martha is
Speaker:doing the right things, at least according to most of us raised
Speaker:on hospitality and casserole theology. But the longer Mary
Speaker:stays seated, the more agitated Martha becomes.
Speaker:Eventually, she explodes, and not at Mary, but at
Speaker:Jesus. She says, lord, don't you care that my
Speaker:sister has left me to do all the work for myself? Tell her to
Speaker:help me. You can practically hear the resentment simmering in
Speaker:her voice. She's not asking for support. She's demanding
Speaker:backup. And what's Jesus's response?
Speaker:Martha. Martha. You are worried and upset about many things.
Speaker:Okay. I don't think this is a rebuke. I think it's a gentle
Speaker:naming of what's underneath the bustle. Jesus sees that
Speaker:Martha's care has tipped into control. Her helpfulness has
Speaker:become anxious managing. Her hospitality, though well
Speaker:intended, has become a performance of responsibility
Speaker:over relationship. And Mary, she's not lazy.
Speaker:She's just chosen to sit in the moment undistracted,
Speaker:present with Jesus. This isn't a scolding of
Speaker:people who like to clean kitchens and organize schedules. Bless
Speaker:you. It's a reminder that sometimes our need to help
Speaker:can crowd out the people we're trying to care for, that we
Speaker:can do all the right things for Jesus and still miss
Speaker:being with him. Jesus isn't asking Martha to abandon her
Speaker:personality. He's inviting her to lay down her
Speaker:pressure. Not everything has to be held together.
Speaker:Sometimes the most spiritual thing you could do is sit down.
Speaker:So helpful doesn't have to mean hands on. Sometimes the
Speaker:most faithful thing you can offer isn't a solution. It's
Speaker:space. Space for people to be where they are and who
Speaker:they are. Space for them to ask. Space to sit
Speaker:without fixing. Sometimes presence is the ministry.
Speaker:Silence is the support. Love doesn't need a manual.
Speaker:So if you've been trying to help and it's starting to feel a little
Speaker:forced, maybe it's time you loosen your grip, not
Speaker:your love. And, hey, if you wanna join a
Speaker:conversation of like minded caregivers, join us on our Care
Speaker:Impact podcast group on Facebook. We'd love to hear where
Speaker:you're wrestling, where your help got a little too helpful. And
Speaker:until next time, keep loving, keep laughing, and if you've
Speaker:accidentally took over someone's healing process, maybe give
Speaker:it back now with love and a snack and
Speaker:always remember to stay curious.
